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It was said that women are made from the ribs of men in the past, and as such i interpret it that men have a god given duty to take care of women. But yet i feel so helpless at any given day..

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I asked myself this question tonight, why are men not socially allowed to cry as much as women? I've never been tough, even though i always tried to be in front of others. I've always been strong when it comes to protecting the interest of others, but i always feel so weak when it comes to matters of the heart.

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I really want to throw a tantrum, scream and shout, but i guess i'm getting quite good at putting a front now. Logically, i rationalize that its really nobody's fault, but i really cannot explain how much it really upsets me when something i'm looking forward to becomes another imaginative event that will never happen.

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I've lived to 24 so far, and yet to me i've felt like i've seen, experienced, and perhaps understood more than what most people have at my age.

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I've seen the lure and temptations that beseech the human's inner self of desire, beneath the facades of pretty words and actions. I've experienced myself succumb to despair and selfishness when life throws me in unforseen circumstances. I've found myself in occassions more than once looking back over my shoulder at the path which i've took, only to find a trail of events encased in memories by time. I ask myself tonight once more as i always have, have i given all that i had to give for the ones i care about, or was i selfishly trying to mould them into a more suitable fashion in which i fancy.

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The true meaning of a relationship? companionship, the desire for ones another existence near ourselves. Above all the want of a person to play a major and big part of the other parties life, to really matter, and to feel mattered. A personal opinion it may be, but i've never felt that there should be a difference between the male or the female gender in which to treat a relationship. Both gender would have to give an equal amount of effort to maintain a relationship, as hard as it is now to do, with the complexity of the society's endless webs of intrigue..

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Yet effort exists in different forms, be it physical or psychological. The physical aspect being to trying to be there for every occasion in which the other party needs, or just wanting to be there with the person you love. Psychological? To have the things daily you do entwined with thoughts of your partner, the want to let her know about small funny little things, to wonder about whats she doing every now and then. I guess nobody would really stop to think about what it means to be in a relationship much often, its something close to the heart they people often neglect or ignore. Taken for granted, efforts wither with time..

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To feel loved? To feel mattered, to feel that your tiny little existance is noticed by someone. To feel that if you've disappeared even for the shortest of time period, someone would notice and immediately be worried for you. To have someone wanting to share with you about the smallest things in life that happened to them.

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I personally feel that the balance between giving and taking is impossible to achieve, as life occurs too fast for most of us to really reflect upon our actions every so now and then.

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I reflect upon my actions over the years tonight, and i don't deny, i have issues with human interaction. I am intrinsically judgemental and looks down on people unknowingly sometimes, believing in myself to be above those that are flawed. Yet i do not see that not everyone is perfect, and virtues are exhibited in substitution to those flaws.

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I look back on the relationships i've had till now, and i look upon it as failures on my part in fulfilling my role as a boyfriend. I've been selfish, emotional, and above all being unable to provide any sense of security to those that i love. But i lie not when i said i've truly placed my entire heart into a relationship without any reservations.

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But with every year that i age, i try to learn a little, to put things bad behind me, to at least try to understand my flaws. They weigh so heavily on me sometimes that i feel so alone in a sphere of darkness.

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I value love about anything in my life, and nothing can hurt me more but from the ones i love. I love so deeply that i would give in to anything to stop a quarrel, yet it seems always not enough. I've often wonder if we're really suitable for each other, but before i really want to find an answer to it i stop thinking about it, because i love her so much that no matter what i want to be with her. It hurts me so profoundly that it feels so real that she doesn't understand that i am but flesh and blood too. i can only give that much without feeling empty inside, and nothing makes me happier when i feel that i am a part of her life too. I've never stopped feeling so pained that i am always less important than the work that she has.

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I've asked countless times if she loved me, more than i can bring myself to, and more than i want to. Most of the time, she wouldn't reply. The pain is so deep whenever i try to convince myself of reasons, to try to understand her, tears more often than not wells up.

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I understand her, that's why i know.

she really doesn't love me anymore. I understand the truth earlier than she has, and it pains me now to look forward at the path that i shall be walking.