Serendipity

2011-08-22T00:49:00.002+08:00

-August Rush-

Its been 8 months since i've blogged, and 8 months of memories that are really precious to me anyhow are kept alive in photos and picture. Looking back, thought i'd just write down about the things i remember before i have to work tmr.

The times of transitions always poses the most difficulty. And the past 8 months have been that of a steady transition of my life. From that of a student to a working adult. Waking up early on time to go to work, change of sleeping habits of a uni student to a worker. I believe the most difficult of all is that of lifestyle, of friends that i've always surrounded myself with, and whom have always kept me going in tiresome days.

Looking at the year4s complaining about honors year now made me slightly angsty, i wonder if its fuelled by envy. Haha it probably is, it's a phase we all go through when faced with the daunting task of a year long of research. In retrospective. I didn't remember having an apprehension of going to lab, because it was an welcoming environment, and there were always friends to pass the time with or just to discuss daily events and squander our youths with. Weekly ice cream expeditions, monopoly deal sessions, corridor chats with the others. I honestly do miss it and enjoyed the company. Haha i'm still glad i gave it all during my 4th year to enjoy both school and work.

A list of random things that i remember of year 4. messy lab, lanthanides, chinese speaking, corridor chats, looking at the emission of nanoparticles. lxg scolding people, evening lectures. ice cream, fun. =] Then came the poster presentations and project update. then our last exams. Then rawa, korea, the start of work, and the grad ceremony.

But then again, the changes of time doesn't mean the end of friendship, and crystallized past always will remain beautiful without the fear of erosion. Connections are the most important thing to me, as opposed to money or status. I wonder if that will change along the years to come, when i read back on this and reflect on days past.

Hope for the best, Expect the worst, Life is a play, We're unrehearsed.

An Account of the year 2010

2010-12-30T21:45:00.003+08:00

A quiet night in my room, illuminated only by my desk lamp, with old songs from my computer serenading the night away. Thats how i usually pass the night while recounting adventures of my year.

How was 2010? - It was a long year of changes, adjustments in life, and emotional turmoil? haha.. but its all part of the long journey through life i guess.

And so! a list of highlights for the year:

1. Things ended between me and shiwei.

2. Year 3 ended, with 1/2 the cohort graduating, and lectures became less bustling affairs

3. Reservist

4. Diana

5. SOW this year with the centaurs

6. Uni Studio Singapore night visit

7. Bender's place for the 2 big bbqs.

8. 1st Primary School Gathering after 14 years

9. Andrea Bocelli's Concert in the Park

10. Kite flying days at the barrage haha..

11. NDP with the conan's

12. 2nd bintan trip

13. Honors Project

14. 1-Altitude gallery and bar just a few days ago omg really quite cool place.

Has it been a good year or a bad year? In terms of liberating experiences and new things, it has been a fantastic year. I've made so much new friends that i have not found myself lacking of good and fun company over the entire year, and i am thankful for the fantastic company and memories they have given me over the year. In terms of matters of the heart. mhm lets just say i took a step forward and 3 steps back. I still look forward to meeting the person that i'll be spending the rest of my life with though..

I'm hopeful that things might work out between me and c. though.. if it doesn't, i'm really gonna take a break from dating and stuff. it really wears people down faster than any other human interactions in the world haha..

I throughly enjoyed my year nonetheless, and with each memory and experiences i grow a little more into the man i'm going to be for the rest of my life. And so to 2010, Thanks for the experiences and memories, and i look foward towards 2011 for big events in my life too, since i'm graduating already. Auld Lang Syne!

A case of closing.

2010-12-20T01:14:00.002+08:00

-Closing chapters-

Well. another year bites the dust?

Anyway, this blog entry has been long overdue. I've been rather preoccupied with the now that i haven't had time to really look back at the things i've done this year.

My blogs has always been a very generalized overlook of my life. sparing the details.. with that being said, maybe i'd be a little different this time round.

If i had to describe this year with a word, i'd probably say, it was emotionally tiring. i think i've made some choices this year that probably have been the more difficult ones that i have had to made. I really wonder if life is testing my worth this year haha.

Right now, i really wonder if i was wrong, to have had feelings for the people that i cared about. Have i really been just skirt chasing? At the same time i allowed myself to without reservations to fall in love and care wholeheartedly, i guess it was really naivety on my part.

I really doubt if i would meet someone that would like, or love me the way i am. Haha i think i'm a mess right now. Anyway, i'd probably talk about happier things in the event summary next entry before the year ends. It has really been an eventful year. till then!

2010-11-05T19:35:00.002+08:00

I've never felt so weary of waiting and holding on to hope in my life before.

-Another Milestone-

2010-09-28T01:40:00.002+08:00

And so with the passing of the saturday, went along with it my sister's wedding and the start of her new wedded life. I do envy her having found someone to care for and share her life with, but i'm glad that she's happy and well cared for.

Its been awhile since i've revisited events of the past months carefully and thought about if i've lived my life worthwhile. Undeniably, it was eventful, with the starting of the honors project, the TA teaching assignments, the making of many new acquaintances through SOW and the renewal of bonds of friendship with old friends.

I've told more than a few people about how i felt about honors year, that i've made more friends in the past 6 weeks than i have in the past 3 years. For some reason i find myself being able to open up without reservations to new acquaintances and friends, and along with it bringing interesting new perceptions and laughter in my life.

My birthday this year was good, surrounded by good friends who cared and supported me with companionship. Had a really good birthday on the day itself. =]

Although.. i have this tendency to get really bogged down by matters of the heart. Well, i'm not being desperate thats for sure, as compared to my younger self in which was totally desperate. all the time. very sadly. haha..

I spent my birthday eve with someone i really care about, but.. lets just say i'm used to loving someone without reciprocated the equal amount of affection, but its especially difficult when you're madly in love. In my opinion, i would see myself as being able to offer so more much happiness and memories into her life, but then again, one would just say that its just a phase of infatuation, The, unyielding longing of the person.

You asked me not to fall in love easy, so that i won't be hurt so much. But i'd rather unconditionally fall in love with someone, than miss the chance wondering if it could ever be have. I fall in love easy, not because i am attracted by looks instantly, that would be extremely superficial, but because i only believe in seeing the good points in people.

Its been almost a month since i've last met you. As fragile as my heart is, i'm still holding on to hope. As much as i hate how things are now, if you need prove, i hope this is as much proof as you'll need that i'm really sincere.

I really miss you so much.

By My Side.

2010-08-23T01:59:00.002+08:00

I can come up with a hundred reasons for you to love me, but then it would be rather self serving.

I can tell you a hundred things i like about you, but then they won't do you any justice as its you as a whole whom i like and wants to love. and a hundred things is probably not enough for me to say.

I can be there quietly waiting for my turn to make you happy, but it scares me that i'll be missing out on the days which will mean a lot to you in your life, but i can't be there.

I can listen to you talk about your day, show you concern, worry about you, wake up in the middle of the night for you, forego sleep for you, but it'd just be silly if makes you make irritated instead of making you smile.

But..

I can't pretend that i don't think about you countless times in a day.

I can't pretend that i'm not making you troubled.

Yet I can't just walk away.

I can't pretend that it doesn't ache when i know what you mean that it isn't convenient to talk.

oh well.. life doesn't present wonderful things on a silver platter.

The Wanderer and the Searcher.

2010-07-27T20:06:00.003+08:00

Resentment? No i don't hate.. I just lament on the time we've wasted. Animosity? I don't know. for the things that i've tried to resolve and fix. What do i want? A reality check.

And here i am, as vulnerable as i can be. looking for some sort of dwelling i can call a home; within someone's heart. I've ran away, pushed my way, and stood at doors waiting to be invited in, yet i've never found a house of which i can call a permanent home.

I'm not an ornament to be placed on a ledge to be admired upon, i want to be a totem someone carry around as an anchor amidst tumultuous times, to serve as a reality check. I don't want to be waiting in line to for a turn to be someone stand in. I want to be in the priority queue for a flight of experiences.

People associate the demand for attention to the fairer sex, yet i always think, why so? Do guys not deserve the same amount of attention on them, that which they give equally or more. I'm not talking guys being provided for physically by girls, but emotionally, we too need an anchor to root them to reality, someone to call our own.

The Wanderer and the Searcher.

He who wanders seeks not a home, but drifts amongst space and time content with experiences he garners alone.

He who searches seeks not to linger aimlessly about, but longs for the warmth of a kindling fire within a heart that lightens up the dark of days.

I was ready to be a wanderer, yet you came by, ever does serendipity, I long to fill the space within, with my heart ever so open to be filled by you.

So what now? a vicious cycle of me needing someone more than someone needs me? i tire from the game.. wary of making mistakes i've repeated over and over again. With each bold statement i make, i grow afraid that i've yet pushed too far..

Ever the hopeful waiter.

But as i've always said, Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst, Life is a play, We're Unrehearsed.

2010-07-10T23:46:00.000+08:00

Just when i thought that being single was awesome, somethings just had to happen to make me feel weird all inside again. And the funniest thing is that life never ever presents itself in the simplest form do they? They always like add in a catch to all the good things that happen. So great, now i'm kinda caught unaware again.

-10 to intelligence when talking to girls.

2010-06-15T01:14:00.002+08:00

Is it just me or people become incredibly unsmart when they're interacting with the opposite sex which they think are interesting? Well at least for me its kinda like a very obvious behavioral change, or would i say quirk. It's kinda almost amusing even when i think about it haha.

i guess its the some mental effect, you can be really outspoken and witty when you're talking to your friends or peers in an informal atmosphere. THEN. when you have to do something really formal and your grades depends on it, the stress makes you stutter and choke on your own words. *looks at biomolecule presentation* sigh fml.

Anyway i guess people need an autopilot button sometimes. so that we can prevent ourselves from trying too hard that we end up botching things.

And about trying too hard. A recent conversation with a friend brought up the topic of our definition of trying.

"Theres a fine line between putting in effort, and plainly trying too hard"

And often people deviate too widely from the fine balance. Either trying so excessively hard that they become a nuisance, or because they do not dare to try, ending up missing out on possible doors to very different futures..

and "tactful" was suppose to be one of my strengths. haha ohh well.. anyway guess i'll just end here kthanxbaiii

I'm gonna find another you.

2010-06-12T02:12:00.002+08:00

Some try to hand me money, but they don't understand. I not broke, I'm just a broken-hearted man.

I screwed up big time this year havn't I, in most of the things that i've done, if not all the things i've done this year. I honestly, really, just want to find a fixed constant in my life amongst the torrential floods of troubles and worries in the sea of life.

I replayed in my mind a thousand times if i could have done things a different way, a better way, that wouldn't have led me to what i'm feeling now.

I managed to convince myself for the past 3 months that i'm doing fine, that i can really do this as an individual, as myself. but that was cause the exams were coming up. right now i find it hard to convince myself that things are actually really ok.

Even if i really played out a fantasy i've built in my own dreams. even if it was a sand castle in the clouds i moulded myself in self-delusions. Even if i mistook every gesture you've done and confused myself between my desires and the constraints of reality.

I really, really wished, that i had been more important in your life, as much as an impact you've left on mine. I really wished that i met you in a different way, a long time ago.

Karma

2010-05-20T23:24:00.002+08:00

I've always thought and believed that if you do good by your own set of ethics and morals, life will just treat you right. Or in other words, i always believed in Karma, as do most others. What is Karma?

According to Indian religions, it is a concept of actions or deeds, understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect. So, for every good deed that people perform, it builds up their karma, doesn't it? Karma is based on the ideal that life balances itself in an endless cycle of cause and effect, what comes around goes around so to speak.

It is a noble philosophy of course, as wise as anything i can think of, but does it think into account, that bad things just happens to good people sometimes? That there is no karmic balance for some, that life is just outright unfair to some? Of course i can't compare myself to anybody my age across the world. but yeah, life is a bitch. then you die. haha emo schemo.

As i stood there.

2010-04-06T19:54:00.003+08:00

As i stood there, I thought of the times we've talked about things.

As i stood there, I look at your face, wondering to myself as i age and grow old, will i ever regret what i've done. I felt my heart hurt.

As i stood there, I thought about the times i've made you upset, and the countless no. of times i wished you were there.

As i stood there, I tried remembering how it was like before, things have changed too differently for too long for me to recall how things were totally different before.

As i stood there, I thought of how unfair its been to you, of my incessant demands. and i thought of how i've tried to compromise to you, as i change my bad habits and behavior.

As i stood there, I thought of how i expected the future to be. This wasn't part of the plan.

I've tried. we've tried. you've tried. but i'm just tired of how we're just not getting along anymore.

I'm an asshole, i probably am, but i realise that theres no point in dragging on anymore.

As i stood there.

2010-03-31T00:43:00.003+08:00

I can't decide on which bothers me more.

That i have nobody to tell how i feel,

Or that nobody will understand how i feel even if i told them about it..

2010-03-21T10:57:00.001+08:00

Somethings you hide inside your heart just burns you alive.

Man-o-pause

2010-03-09T00:42:00.002+08:00

I've been in a pretty foul mood of late, this gripping irritation in my heart that i wanna vent out but apparently i've been doing it in pretty bad ways. This is so irritating.

Then again if the entire world irritates you, then its probably really a problem with yourself, isn't it?

I'm hoping its just the weather thats the record driest for a 100 years thats getting me down.

.....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ahem.

A new skin, a new start-

2010-02-25T23:55:00.002+08:00

the last time i changed my blogskin was.. 3 years ago? or more.. perhaps. i guess everyone needs a change of pace now and then here and there too.

Aren't we all just helpless in the matters of the heart? And at times of these your emotions just hinders you from making any sound judgement in all aspects of life, its like your entire life just stands still. Not moving while all falls upon you to make a decision regarding your own feelings.

So then, what would you choose? or was there even a choice in the beginning? was it just a fleeting illusion, a dream that endless people have gotten lost before within the maze of endless predictions and make believe?

We all love, we all lose things along the way, yet the most irreplaceable thing we lose in that journey, is time. Times that could have been different, others that you could have met, things that you would have found out.

Someone asked me if its becoming a trend about how i'm feeling, i fervently defended myself, refusing to believe that what was said about me is true. Yet thinking to myself, i resign, knowing that it has more than becoming a vicious cycle that i repeat every now and then.

Honestly what am i doing, being so divided inside. its ripping me apart, all those thoughts, all those, what if and perhaps, about the future. What about the now? what of the past? Each image flashing in my mind speak of riddles that i can't find answers to.

I'm so tired of entertaining thoughts, yet subconsciously i think i'm deliberately making myself feel awful.

But i'm not lamenting and wallowing in self pity. i think? i guess time will tell in just awhile.

Don't we all just hope for the best, expect the worst, life is a play, we're unrehearsed?

2010-01-19T00:08:00.002+08:00

-What of Choices and of Faith-

When we were younger, life present us less paths to tread upon, straight, perhaps simple paths. There are only the things we have do, things we percieve as right and wrong. A simpleton's life buffered and sheltered by the complexities of the outside world.

Now older, and exchanging maturity as an asset as compared to boundless youth, things we percieve doesn't seem so simple anymore. The paths not present to us before opens up in front of our eyes, yet those paths as endless as they might be are winding and confusing, each leading down a different rabbit hole. Sooner or later, we'll find ourselves in many different worlds should we choose different at each junction of life.

If a measure of a man are made of his choices in life, then how shall i be judged of mine? Of those choices, which are for others, which are for myself, which are for the better or worst or which are those that will utterly hurt someone? I think i like life better when theres less choices, while hope is the driving force of salvation, the hopeful are but less contented with what they have and conceited with obtaining what they can't have.

Well, i'm already a quarter of a century old this year, and looking at a few of my friends that's already married or engaged, i actually long for such stability and a fixed point in my life. I wonder if i'm over emphasizing on relationships in my life, or do others around me have the same thoughts too. oh well. Hope for the best, expect the worst, life is a play, we're unrehearsed.

2010-01-04T01:13:00.002+08:00

-Amidst the Confusion and the Blinding brightness-

Down in a local bar, out on the boulevard, the sound of an old guitar is saving you..

Welll. for some weird reason i woke up with the burning urge to go out and run in the morning which i did. and while running it crossed my mind about what people think about when they run, if they really do think about anything at all that is. People say that whats important is the journey and not the destination. soooooo. if throughout the journey your mind is blank, whats waiting at the destination? ohh nevermind i'm taking this too literally. Bored people seldom make sense. Thus the word ramblings.

Like i've mention before to myself, there are 2 (make that 3) kinds of people in world of social interaction.

1. The type that doesn't interest you sadly for all the fact that in other situations they can be the bestest of friends.

2. The type that interests you for awhile, after of which the novelty of unshrouding the mystery that is a new found acquaintence's character and personality wears off. You could talk about everything in the world in the beginning, yet after which you just run out of topics to talk about and eventually perhaps not talk at all. Well i've seen far too much of this occurance over the expense of my pretty short life.

3. Finally the 3rd time would be the type that intrigues and captivates you profoundly in ways that we can't put to words, and theres just this hidden drive in you to keep wanting to know more about that person, and to be part of his/her world. This feeling of specially paying attention to his/her actions, to notice her small gestures here and there.

Well a random guess would be that for an average person, the people from type 1 and 2 will represent the majority of the people we would meet in our lives, and those of the 3rd type would form the minority. I suppose anybody would and should be flattered if we belong to the 3rd type. but admidst the changes in social interaction, and the diminishing interest of the younger generation these days for things new and different, i suppose a lesser percentage of people are being categorized as those in type 3? Not to mention people's fascination with themselves with self idolization..

Haha maybe i'm being a little too morbid. All i'm saying is.. don't we all have someone we're just uniquely interested in, and likewise wish that we are interesting to others?

2009-12-31T02:52:00.004+08:00

- The end of 2009-

Admist major global changes all around the world, i sit down and ponder at 3.08am in the morning (rather unearthly hour to do pondering i know), about the small changes about me in my life.

I always was fascinated in the speed of which time travels so surreally fast, if theres even such a word called surreally. haha. An entire year, with 2 semester worth of experiences and happenings in which i've gone through. I wonder if its old age or whatever, but i realise that at the end of a year and when i look back, i realised that i've actually forgot about events that occurred earlier in the year. much like chinglings wedding, and all the major events in life just seem to slip my mind that it ever even occurred. Or perhaps it's just the eventfulness of the year in which there are too many things that happened to commit to memory well. haha.

Well 2009 is what i think will be the last of years before a major turning point occurs in my life in particular, with the end of my uni education coming up very soon, a major shift in lifestyle is set to happen in the near future where after 24 years of education i may have to start working soon. I guess the notion scares me pretty profoundly as i realise that work is really so much more horrible than studying. yet after all the times that we all lament that studying is so sian, the unescapable truth still presents itself. That working drains you of life, work causes a rift between the number of friends in which you can share you life with. hahaha morbid.............. ¬.¬

As always, the change of a year, the repeating of the months in an endless cycle presents itself as a convinient simultanous end of chapter of life in which each human individual can relate to. My views on 2009? It was yet another year of discovery for me, of new found friends and of myself.

In general, it's been a great year with little upsets in my life, yet small changes have occurred worldwide that calls for joyous celebration or rekindled faith in humanity. I begin to fear more often of the future in which our climate is so harsh where clear blue skies might be a thing of the past. So heres a hoping and prayer that humanity would push past senseless bickering, and past their flawed selfish existance that there are so much more to life, than paparazzi news, than gossip and senseless behavior of so called stars.

Well, heres to you mate, happy 2010, lets hope its a good/better un' in the days to come =]

The end of year blog 2009~

2009-12-20T11:23:00.000+08:00

The Annual end of year review

And so the end of another year is approaching rapidly, and its the last weekend before christmas already. haha i find it rather true what i heard from my friend recently, that after your 21st birthday, the following years in which you live just flashes across your eyes before you can even know it.

Well this year has been yet another long though, with me barely remembering what happened at the start of the year. a sign of old age perhaps? maybe i'll start up with a list again of the things that i can remember.

1. A First Primary School Gathering after what 12 years?

2. Going back to nan chiau high school grounds to take pictures, haha that was quite an adventure having to climb the fence over in

3. CMCC BBQ, that was pretty interesting i must say haha

4. SOW 09 of course who could missed that

5. Ching Ling's wedding

6. Bintan 09' which of course just happened this week

Well 2009, is yet another year of many firsts and changes. But all in all the nature of humanity still remains changed, selflessness in a few yet selfishness in most are still the way that it is and has been. The weather and environment is becoming increasingly unpredictable, yet inaction still finds itself present, even in such obvious times of dire needs. ohh well.

Haha abit lost my drive to write, maybe its the afternoon feeling. continue on next time~

Merciless time

2009-11-12T00:51:00.002+08:00

-Merciless Time-

Just today on my usual short walk home i was just wondering about how things was going pretty fast, with the 5 semster coming to a close. I've always been fascinated by the progression of time, and how easily it slips us by in a blink of an eye.

Just then an elderly man caught my sight walking in front of me, with a obvious limp and holding on to a metal frame crutch, slowly walking down a stretch of road. I kind of figured out that he was heading to this very old hdb estate which would probably take me 10 mins or so with the road crossing and stuff to reach. at his limping speed, god knows how long it'll take for him to reach the place. It was at this point of time i was reminded again how merciless time really is to us, to all human beings.

I slowly walked behind him as i pondered how i could help him, but i realised that i couldn't at all. If he was carrying groceries or whats not, i'd gladly carry it for him all the way. But he was just alone, pacing slowly down a quiet amber shaded road in the evening. I did notice that he had old smeared tattoos on his hands and his legs, signalling a perhaps tumultous past that time forgot. As i walked past him to my block, I glanced at him. Deep patterns of wrinkles etched his face, and his eyes, staring blankly forward almost empty of emotions left me a last impression.

For me, it was not hard to imagine at all how i would someday age beyond a point that i'll can recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I rather think although about the life i have now, and how at this point of time, i've already reached 24, yet not have a well defined goal and purpose in life. My memories of the past is slowly washed away by the waves of time, and i barely have any impression of the person i was before.

Looking backwards in reflection and looking forward in hope has always been something i spend lengths of my time to do, yet i so often and easily lose sight of the destination that i am walking towards. I've always been envious of people whom are goal-orientated, seemingly always spirited in their footsteps to achieve those goals.

Today's events made me remember about my grandfather too, whom i've never really had the chance to know more about. The tolls of time are always harsh and unyielding, yet it is a mere price to pay for those with a destination they have in mind. Well, always cherish those around you, and sometimes just sit to really reflect on your actions in life. Glance at the past like a film without sound playing in your mind, look around the present which presents you an endless amount of destinations, then look to the future, with a smile on your face. =]

Who knows what mysteries tommorrow might bring, we just hope for the best, expect the worst, life is a play, we're unrehearsed.

The fulfillment of life

2009-10-26T00:59:00.002+08:00

The Fulfillment of life

Oh well, 1st sem of year 3 is more than half completed, and everything looks pretty fine and dandy as of now. Works managing still ok, etc etc. Though once again i find detached from the social life kinda aspect. what to do when the only friend you hang out with is your girlfriend for your entire uni life. ok my junior kakis. hahaha.

The thing about being in year 3 is that the working life seems pretty close now, and i keep facing the question if i'm going to be able to go on to honors. With my happy-go-lucky nature I don't think i'm that suitable for an final year project in which so much research and effort necessary to produce results. Ohh well, once again the main road in life which i've been travelling down branches off into so many paths in which i can follow, each spelling a much different journey into the future.

I must admit that i havn't been really sociable, or perhaps people find me mildly morbid or stern. That aspect of my character baffles me at times to. I go from quiet stern to hyper active in matter of hours, in front of different crowds. Is being bi-polar weird these days?

Its funny how my life still seems to be stuck at a stage of conflict as defined by eric erikson, where a young adult or adolescent struggles in finding his own identity, at the rest of identity confusion if unresolved. At times I pretty much get so lost with myself that i become mildy unpleasant, and thats the last of things that i want. Haha god knows how much the opinion of others of myself matters to me.

Havn't really done any other physical activities on weekends besides stoning in front of the computer for the entire semester. I feel my entire social life crumbling around me in ashes and brimstone. haha woe woe woe..

Oh well, exams coming in barely a month, and the end of the year coming up right around the corner. Its amazing how people can lose track of the progression of time in a year and the end just creeps up on you. Oh well, christmas and the end of the year has always been my favorite time anyway. yay?

Hope for the best, Expect the Worst, Life is a Play, We're Unrehearsed.

All that we're searching for

2009-08-16T01:45:00.003+08:00

All that we're searching for

All the things that we do, all those silly and impecable things that we do, i guess we're all just looking for attention aren't we? haha..

Well, schools started, and things are as ordered and mundane as i see them to be~

I must say that something within me snapped last week, and the way that i see things now are really rather different than how i usually would. Call it a paradigm shift? haha i always loved that word, sounds really cool doesn't it.

I guess the thought of the week was a question that was at the back of my mind for awhile. here goes, In the face of the infidescimally large world that we live in, how would we know who is the one that we would spend the rest of our lives with? Presented with an almost infinite number of possibilities, how do anybody actually decide?

Fate? Destiny? Blind Passion or just that gut feeling we have? I find the prospects of a life that cannot be reversed increasingly frightening, especially when im nearing the end of the prime of youth..

I feel like i'm losing out in the social aspects of my life, you know, the feeling that you feel detached from communicating with anybody, or enjoying going out.

Half a month more to my birthday! Well my birthday last year was rather dull.. for once i just feel like being lavished in the company of friends and loved ones, to be the centre of attention for awhile. Wonder if anybody would do anything, haha its rather embarassing to think about it, the mounting desperation and hope for something fun and memorable. Haha!

What men are made of.

2009-07-10T01:45:00.002+08:00

What men are made of

It was said that women are made from the ribs of men in the past, and as such i interpret it that men have a god given duty to take care of women. But yet i feel so helpless at any given day..

I asked myself this question tonight, why are men not socially allowed to cry as much as women? I've never been tough, even though i always tried to be in front of others. I've always been strong when it comes to protecting the interest of others, but i always feel so weak when it comes to matters of the heart.

I really want to throw a tantrum, scream and shout, but i guess i'm getting quite good at putting a front now. Logically, i rationalize that its really nobody's fault, but i really cannot explain how much it really upsets me when something i'm looking forward to becomes another imaginative event that will never happen.

The value of human emotions

2009-07-03T00:37:00.002+08:00

The value of human emotions

I've lived to 24 so far, and yet to me i've felt like i've seen, experienced, and perhaps understood more than what most people have at my age.

I've seen the lure and temptations that beseech the human's inner self of desire, beneath the facades of pretty words and actions. I've experienced myself succumb to despair and selfishness when life throws me in unforseen circumstances. I've found myself in occassions more than once looking back over my shoulder at the path which i've took, only to find a trail of events encased in memories by time. I ask myself tonight once more as i always have, have i given all that i had to give for the ones i care about, or was i selfishly trying to mould them into a more suitable fashion in which i fancy.

The true meaning of a relationship? companionship, the desire for ones another existence near ourselves. Above all the want of a person to play a major and big part of the other parties life, to really matter, and to feel mattered. A personal opinion it may be, but i've never felt that there should be a difference between the male or the female gender in which to treat a relationship. Both gender would have to give an equal amount of effort to maintain a relationship, as hard as it is now to do, with the complexity of the society's endless webs of intrigue..

Yet effort exists in different forms, be it physical or psychological. The physical aspect being to trying to be there for every occasion in which the other party needs, or just wanting to be there with the person you love. Psychological? To have the things daily you do entwined with thoughts of your partner, the want to let her know about small funny little things, to wonder about whats she doing every now and then. I guess nobody would really stop to think about what it means to be in a relationship much often, its something close to the heart they people often neglect or ignore. Taken for granted, efforts wither with time..

To feel loved? To feel mattered, to feel that your tiny little existance is noticed by someone. To feel that if you've disappeared even for the shortest of time period, someone would notice and immediately be worried for you. To have someone wanting to share with you about the smallest things in life that happened to them.

I personally feel that the balance between giving and taking is impossible to achieve, as life occurs too fast for most of us to really reflect upon our actions every so now and then.

I reflect upon my actions over the years tonight, and i don't deny, i have issues with human interaction. I am intrinsically judgemental and looks down on people unknowingly sometimes, believing in myself to be above those that are flawed. Yet i do not see that not everyone is perfect, and virtues are exhibited in substitution to those flaws.

I look back on the relationships i've had till now, and i look upon it as failures on my part in fulfilling my role as a boyfriend. I've been selfish, emotional, and above all being unable to provide any sense of security to those that i love. But i lie not when i said i've truly placed my entire heart into a relationship without any reservations.

But with every year that i age, i try to learn a little, to put things bad behind me, to at least try to understand my flaws. They weigh so heavily on me sometimes that i feel so alone in a sphere of darkness.

I value love about anything in my life, and nothing can hurt me more but from the ones i love. I love so deeply that i would give in to anything to stop a quarrel, yet it seems always not enough. I've often wonder if we're really suitable for each other, but before i really want to find an answer to it i stop thinking about it, because i love her so much that no matter what i want to be with her. It hurts me so profoundly that it feels so real that she doesn't understand that i am but flesh and blood too. i can only give that much without feeling empty inside, and nothing makes me happier when i feel that i am a part of her life too. I've never stopped feeling so pained that i am always less important than the work that she has.

I've asked countless times if she loved me, more than i can bring myself to, and more than i want to. Most of the time, she wouldn't reply. The pain is so deep whenever i try to convince myself of reasons, to try to understand her, tears more often than not wells up.

I understand her, that's why i know.

she really doesn't love me anymore. I understand the truth earlier than she has, and it pains me now to look forward at the path that i shall be walking.

Quiet alcholism in a sleepless night.

2009-06-14T22:55:00.002+08:00

-Quiet alcholism in a restless night-

I often wonder what goes through the mind of people as they drink alcohol, do most of the people who drink do it among friends and laughters? Or within their quiet rooms, taking in the bittersweetness of the liquid going down the throat. I wonder if people after frowning upon downing the drink, will even know why are they drinking in the first place. As a form of escape? a form of self torture? Or perhaps they are searching a way to escape into dreams.

Well, its the holidays again, and being typically me i'm just floating around without a purpose or aim throughout this 3 months. Well i do still wanna go rawa but it seems like nobody's interested, haha oh well.. just wanna go somewhere different and explore the beach and coastlines where theres pristine waters.

I'm still thinking about it whether to do urops, given my attention span and intellect, i'm afraid of not being able to cope with it. And since its on a first come first serve basis, i better be quick about it.

I did a rather impromptu trip back to nan chiau to take some shoots of the place, but i didnt really had time to sink into the fact that i was there, was busy just shooting around actually. one thing that i did notice was that i'm much taller than i used to be, and things sure looks different from my height now. But the thing is that, besides vague memories of things i did during that time, i cant think of really happy memories there. haha another addition to the list of "wwp's unhappy/unsatisfying childhood memories" i suppose.

bah, thats all for the night, wanna run tmr morning.

Last One

2009-04-16T22:32:00.002+08:00

Blog #7

Well its pretty fast how things go, and here we are at the end of the semester.

All in all much was done during the lessons we've had, presentations, survey reports, cover letters etc etc.

So, has my understanding of the value of effective communication changed? Well, not exactly changed, but i felt that what i've learnt from the lessons has broadened my knowledge on the aspects of effective communication, in addition to my prior experience regarding interacting with people.

I myself believe that one of the key points of interaction is awareness. Awareness of the situation, of the culture, of the behavior i should be portraying. By being aware, we are able to change our tone or our way of interaction, so that, as the module title suggests, we can be "effective" communicators.

For me, i guess the key take away from the module is how to phrase myself tactfully and carefully when crafting writting letters or reports. Being one of the "younger" generations, i believe that my key problem is how to be flexible in my structuring of words to make it polite and non-offensive.

Another main thing i've learnt from the module is that during a presentation, things don't always goes the way you plan them to be! Even though we can practise for a presentation numerous times, the actual presentation would not go as planned, probably due to the sudden stage fright in front of the crowd. How do we cure this? more practise in front of an audience! =]

At the end of the day, i've had fun and learnt alot during the lessons, and the interactions i've had during the class would definitely stick with me in days to come, and here i end off with a quote:

"Hope for the best, Expect the Worst, Life is a Play, We're Unrehearsed"

Cheers!

Blog post #6 Biodata

2009-03-23T12:57:00.004+08:00

Blog#6 Biodata

Woei Perng is an undergraduate currently pursuing a bachelor's degree in Science (Chemistry) at the National University of Singapore (NUS). As a polytechnic graduate with an Chemical Engineering Diploma from Singapore Polytechnic, he strives hard in achieving satisfactory academic performance amongst an competitive environment, while not forgetting the considerable laboratory experience he obtained in his earlier years of study, complementing his abilities in understanding the vast discipline of chemistry.

While being a avid sportsman in archery during his free time, he derives great pleasure from helping others to develop further, and his passion in the sport has seen him returning to his alma mata years after graduating to nurture younger generations of enthusiast in the sports club.

As an individual, he sees it in himself to help others at times of trouble. Through his experience as an officer during national service, he finds it important to always seek an understanding of both sides of the coin, before deciding on the best course of action.

He finds great solace in the saying, "Hope for the best, Expect the worst, Life is play, We're unrehearsed."

2009-03-18T23:22:00.003+08:00

The lack of proper public speaking skills of singapore's youth these days? A cultural shortcoming? or a lack of proper education channels?

Well my topic is rather vague for this post, but seeing it as a rather common occurence in my everyday life i find it a rather interesting notion.

I first begin off with this question, among your peers, or the people you know, how many do not actually stutter, or are able to convey their messages accurately, when speaking to a large group of people? Well to be honest, for me, i'd have to say actually most of my friends are not that good at public speaking, nor are they really able to talk to a large crowd.

Well giving an example, a lecturer of mine actually encourages students presenting the solutions to rather complicated questions, and out of the numerous who volunteered, only a handful were able to explain how they came about answering the solution. The rest? They haphazardly breezes through pages of mathematical calculations, often mumbling to themselves, and are not able to fully explain themselves when asked questions.

While of course not everyone have the quality of a teacher or born to be a public speaker, but i feel that singaporeans generally shun or are unable to represent themselves in front of many others.

I guess another commonly observed trait is that we on the whole often keep opinions or questions to ourselves. Another example would be when students are asked questions, they either would feint ignorance, or simply saying that they don't know the answer.

For me, i believe that this "traits" is due to a combination of both the cultural aspect of asians, a rather lack of developement in youth education. For chinese at least, we are more reserved in expressing ourselves, as compared to other cultures who are open and chatty. Also, from my experience of my younger years of education, it was a rather "spoon fed" sort of learning, where the teacher would teach, while it is our duty to listen attentively. I suppose a discussion based type of teaching on a regular basis would actually promote students to be more open to dicussing things in the open, not keeping to themselves.

What do you think? Do you think singaporean youths these days are also lacking the ability to express themselves in public? =]

Cheers! P.S. hope what i typed wasn't too abstract hehe.

Evaluating Intercultural Behavior (Post #4)

2009-03-05T21:05:00.003+08:00

Evaluating Intercultural Behavior (Post #4)

Sorry for the late post guys! Been busy with mid-term tests =]
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Anyway for this topic I have decided to share a real life occurrence that was in turned shared with me in a similar communication class that I had when I was in Singapore Polytechnic.
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The event was told by my then lecturer, and it happened in the polytechnic’s office of languages. It was a central office for the language department and therefore, various groups of foreign language lecturers of different nationalities were housed there, for example, Thai and Japanese.
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The story goes that there was this new Japanese language lecturer in the office. One day, an American lecturer saw her using the photocopier and decided to go forward to chat and get to know his new colleague. However, while initiating the conversation, he stood at a very close proximity to her, and talked at a rather loud volume, which took the rather small framed Japanese lady by surprise. As such, she took a step back, appearing rather uncomfortable. The American lecturer, not noticing her distress and discomfort, took another step forward while still continuing his conversation with her, and the Japanese lady similarly tried to move away from him (this forward and backwards movement continued for a few steps). And all the while, the whole episode was observed by my lecturer with some amusement.
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Well basically the observed incident presents a contrasting comparison of the difference in cultural norms in the western and eastern cultures. From an Asian point of view, when meeting a new acquaintance, we tend to be much more polite, and maintain a further distance when communicating or interacting. However, as a general trend, westerners tend to be more warm and friendly, as such, social norms of Asians such as maintaining a distance as a form of respect for a new acquaintance is not observed by them, as they see that being open and friendly is a social norm to welcome a new member to the group.
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All in all, the American lecturer was not exactly wrong in his gesture of chatting with the new Japanese lecturer, as he was trying to welcome her to the department, however he should have practised cultural self-awareness. If he knew the social norm of the Japanese, which was to maintain a distance while communicating with acquaintances, the female lecturer would not have been put in a rather awkward and uncomfortable situation. He should have been more aware and noticed that the Japanese lecturer was rather uncomfortable with his close proximity, thus discontinuing his advance. =]

Hope something awkward like this won't ever happen to any of us =]

Cheers!

Business Correspondence Critique (Post #3)

2009-02-15T15:16:00.004+08:00

To begin off, I first include the email in its unedited form. The email is a request for research volunteers that was sent thru the NUS webmail.

-----Original Message-----
From: SDE IEQ Project
Sent: Thu 10/30/2008 5:29 PM
Subject: Research volunteers required

NUS Students
Re. Research volunteers required
Dear Students
In regards to a research project in the area of room ventilation and its impacts on the Tropical population, we would like to solicit participation from NUS undergraduate students. This study focuses on the influences of bedroom air quality on various human responses.
Short-listed participants would be reimbursed for their time at $8.74 per hour (standard University rate). Each participant will be reimbursed for a minimum of twelve (12) and a maximum of twenty (20) hours. The project is envisaged to be conducted in early December 2008 (vacation period).

Participants will be asked to maintain a normal sleeping schedule at night for up to four weeks at home. Throughout the duration of study, participants will be provided a log-book to record their diet and sleep quality. Participants will be asked to complete a series of short survey and computerized tests. In addition, a saliva collection protocol will be administered on weekly basis. Indoor air quality measurements may also be conducted in selected homes (bedrooms) twice a week for about one hour.

If you are interested, please complete and return the attached Participation Checklist by email to bdgbox1@nus.edu.sg (or reply to this email) latest by Wednesday, 12th November 2008. The checklist will take about 10 minutes to complete. Please add your name initials to the completed file, e.g. for Mr. Tan Boon Leng, the file name will be: Participation Checklist_TBL. Short-listed applicants would be invited for a short interview through email or phone call.

Thank you for your attention and interest in this project.

Best regards
Dr Henry C Willem
School of Design and Environment
National University of Singapore

<<Participation checklist.doc>>

My analysis of the letter:

The letter in general is observed to be concrete, courteous, complete, clear, and concise. While the subject title of "Research volunteers required" could be better refined to include what is the research project for easier reading, the content of the email clearly explains what the research program is about, while explaining and listing out the facts and needs required in a positive and passive tone.

The email was also concrete, specifying in details the datelines, time span, and specific requirements that the research volunteer will have to do.

I felt that the email was crafted in a concise and clear manner, dividing the paragraphs efficiently into the introduction of the project, what the project requires volunteers to do, and clear instructions on how to apply for the interview.

I can only notice slight punctuation errors in the email, such as spacing's in the opening and the ending (Dear Students,*space* and Best Regards, *space*). Another slight error is that in the last paragraph, "Short-listed applicants would be invited ~~", it would seem more grammatically correct to phrase it "short-listed applicants will be invited".

In conclusion, I felt that the letter was rather well written. It stated the necessary details that the prospective participant would be concerned about and needs to know, while maintaining a positive and inviting tone to the reader. Its clear instructions and details would almost definitely attract students to sign up immediately.

Cheers!

Resolving Interpersonal Conflict (Post #2)

2009-01-31T16:50:00.009+08:00

ES2007S Post #2

Resolving Interpersonal Conflict

For the choice of an interpersonal conflict situation, I selected a real situation that happened to me while fulfilling my duties during my army stint.

There was a period of time where my superior and fellow officers were away for a course for a few weeks, thus before leaving he left me in charge of the administrative and training matters of the men to me. Including me, there was another officer of which was of equal rank who was to assist me in the planning and carrying out various tasks.

At the beginning, we had an agreement that it would be more uniform for only one person to make the decisions regarding the arrangement of the training schedule, thus it was decided that i would do the planning, while he would oversee and conduct the training itself.

However, after a short amount of time, conflicts arosed. I was more of a strict and routine person, therefore i put it upon myself to be available in the office during office hours, while he was more of a carefree person. For most part of the day he would not be available in the office unless contacted to do so. As such, planning for the activities weeks in advance including of manpower management left me very much occupied and exhuasted, while he was nowhere to be seen.

After awhile, I saw him as a not very dependable person, and being not close with him and partly due to my character, i did not seek his help or asked him for his opinion, as it would take the extra effort to contact him and ask him to discuss with me. Therefore weeks went by without much interaction with him besides informing him briefly of the upcoming trainings, often in a not-too-pleasant tone, while he would accept the information nonchalantly.

The misunderstandings continued until my fellow officers came back from the course, and through mediation and talking things through did we resolve the conflict.

The question now :

What was going through the minds of both me and my colleague, and how did we percieved each others actions in our point of view? What could have been done by either of us to resolve the conflict earlier? Instead of waiting for my peers to meditate and help in ironing out the issues.

ES2007S Blog Post #1

2009-01-25T16:05:00.003+08:00

ES2007S Effective Communication Skills Post #1

Well, given my lazy nature, instead of creating a new blog i opted to post it in my old blog.. haha sorry if the format isn't very conducive to reading. Anyway here goes.

Why developing effective communication skills is important to me?

I believe the importance not only applies to certain individuals, but its importance is often overlooked by the general human population. While being individualistic creatures, there comes not a single day or occassion that the average person has to communicate in one fashion or another, be it in a formal or informal setting. With that being said, countless times and again was productivity in the work setting or, in general, misunderstandings between people caused by ineffective communication skills.

In my perception, i feel as if most singaporeans aren't verbal or are able to express themselves coherently, be it due to the asian "culture" of being reserved, or it could be due to the format of the education system that leaves them with a lack of communicating skills. As such, i see myself as one of those that i have afore mentioned. Be it due to my slurring or mumbling when trying to speak as a matter of habit, or my passive listening and lack of pro-activity to seek clarifications. In more than one occassions i found myself in awkward situations or found that i was being counter-productive due to my lack in inter-personal skills, of which i seek to improve.

While being students and not yet fully stepping into the working society, Misundestandings in our social lives comparatively has less of a long and severe impact as compared to those caused during our work in which money or reputation is involved. Therefore, i guess nobody would want to learn things the hard way when we can develop them in a more pleasant atmosphere early.

With all that being said, i do have hopes that picking up communication skills, or the least, understanding them would improve the quality of my life. Nobody can turn away from the single fact that we are but one person out of a sea of faces, and being able to communicate well within society would make us stand out and be noticeable, in words, or in deeds. =]

2008 Year in Review Part 2

2008-12-30T21:34:00.002+08:00

2008 Year in Review Part 2

Well.. it's the 2nd last day of the year 2008 already.

I must say the feeling of passing of another is one of rather melancholic overtures, inherently although from its just a day different from dec 31st to jan 1st, but its the closing and leaving of the past many many days of 2008 to welcome a new cycle of life's ending chapter.

If rather than being specific, i'd be rather general, 2008, well, was a year of much change. the economic downturn, the many social changes around the world.. but to me. well. it's just been a really long year, so much things happened that i can remember them all exactly.

Well although the christmas decoration this year was rather.. plain and boring... haha i didn't take any photos this year.. nothing much to take haha.. well but change is noticable around singapore.. shopping centres in orchard that held childhood memories got torn down.. like john little building, and the opposite emerald green shopping centre.. and the new about to be launched shopping centre opposite bugis junction.

Although its been long, its been. a rather good year.. most things went rather smoothly.. well most things at least..

I look forward to the new year knowing that i had a good year and hopeful of the new things =]

End of Year Summary 1

2008-12-21T01:20:00.002+08:00

End of year feelings Part 1:

Well, another years drawing to a close hurh, thought i might as well start writing my blog again..

Pretty much the amount of experince this year was plentiful. 2 semester holidays, helping out at orientation camp, worked at adidas, did i have a lan party last holiday? cant remember.. haha did a couple of meet up with friends.. finding them transversing through life as an adult earlier than me is a wake up call for me to start living my age.. 23 is.. well. to be honest. quite a age calling for a sense of maturity.

Well the year was a pretty fruitful one.. as mentioned many things happened.. i'll prolly try to make a summary..

1. Relationship scuffles..

2. Rawa trip finally after what, 3 and a 1/2 years?

3. Working at Adidas twice.

4. SOW' 08

5. Finally started year 2 Nus?

6. Dad retired.

7. Starting playing tf2 which is ruining my life a little

8. tried eve online which was quite fun for a period of time.

9. Went on the singapore flyer.. cycled to marina barrage.

10. F1 1st time in singapore.

Thats all i can think about for now.. haha prolly i'll add more next update..

Life has been pretty mundane recently.. Yet again i've fallen into the vicious loop of self discovery that i havn't been doing anything conducive or paying attention to things that is happeneing around me.. wonderful things has been happening around me so fast that i cant grasp it long enough to remember the feeling..

Mom came back with a book from jimmy.. haha well, as like his series, it was talking about love. There was a quote held some truth to it.. "When someone knows all about the game of love, they find themselves unable to love or give their affection fully and totally without reserve"

Well in terms of that, 2008 hasn't been a smooth sailing one.. things happened that make me doubt my capacity of being able to care for anybody at all. Often i find myself doubting myself to a certain extent..

Well in the matter of recent events.. Rawa was a totally enjoyable trip. the company was pretty fun and complication-less bunch.. making the trip all the more pleasant. I find myself wanting to again, perhaps with the same company or more people.. to be honest i thought 245$ was a pretty cheap package for the fun and experience i've had there..

I find myself still facing difficulties in finding people who understand me in my uni social circle.. somehow, i feel detached from the people in which i study together with, like beyond who they see me as, i lead a life that they can't comprehend, nor is my lifestyle appealing to them. well. of course, not that im an attention seeker, but even to the most solitary people, they still find solace in knowing people who understand them the least bits.

WELL. life is at it is, and things happen for reasons uncomprehensible to us =]. i guess i'll leave it here for the time being.

Hope for the best, Expect the worst,

Life is a play, we're all Unrehearsed.

Emofied

2008-10-23T01:34:00.003+08:00

Been quite awhile since i've done this at all. huh.

No titles.. no special occasion.. just. life unfolding itself..

Well it's already the 11th week of year 2 sem 1, and its not been a really good one.. feel as if i'm studying with much less vigor or enthusiasm as last sem.. can't really find the drive to keep going though.. just.. tired from things..

No time to think about the future, no time to think about things i usually think about.. just day in day out to school back home.. the usual cycle..

Havn't much time to connect to people besides those i usually see around. i feel rather detached from my usual social circle and life actually.. not like i had much that i could call close in the 1st place..

Pretty much a void kind of feeling down inside, not knowing what i'm doing this semester..

Well one thing for sure is that i should really stop having my meals alone is school, haha pretty much a weird emo feeling. Not that its extreme detest or anything just a weird kinda feeling hah..

Well its just 2 more months to christmas, awfully fast hurh, all the happenings in the world.. well its true that much has been happening around though, another financial crisis.. everywheres in a slum these days..

I better get my act together for the coming revision month.. Much to complete and catch up i guess.

Hope for the best, expect the worst, life is a play, we're unrehearsed.

Life Happened.

2008-07-10T20:15:00.002+08:00

Life Happened

Its been 2 months since my last post hurh.

Things happened.. I finished first year of university, i got all Bs for the semester results, i bummed around the whole of the holidays, worked for adidas.. well, that sums up 2 months..

Music inspires, leaving behind a legacy of those who created it. Came across a saying at the national library which goes smth like this. "the meaning of life is the things we do that will outlast our life itself"

What have you done today?

Sit infront of the tv, watched another serial or movie, played another game..?

Met up with collin last sunday with the rest of the peeps, well.. lets just say he moved on into the adult world faster that i have. i admire him for knowing what he wants to achieve in life beyond the books which we study.. as far as it seems to me, he succeeded in moving on, where as i never left the spot when i was standing since poly..

And so my graphic card fails to work/function. guess its a sign that i should be doing smth more conducive, although the sign could have been more subtle and less of a trouble.

Suddenly remembered murphy's law, whatever can go wrong will go wrong.. sigh..

And i'm down with sickness for a week or so know, just keeps coming on and off, quite irritating to say the least, if not tiring and sian.

I hope i can change my graphic card on the spot, waiting for it to repair is so going to be fug irritating, not to mention the worst case scenario where i have to change a gpu. sigh..... not enough money already.. ARHAHRAHRAHRAHR

The disability to see the present, only to see the past.

2008-05-10T21:30:00.002+08:00

The disablility to see the present, only the past..

Has this occurred to anybody else? that is.. not being to recognise today's events, only being able to realise it when it has become the past.. nope not emo talk.. just.. epiphany of sorts i guess.

i wonder how many times in life do we have to lose heart in the things we do are the person we've become. then again life's purpose was never easy to comprehend..

i found out that i've been talking rhetoreically for the past few blogs and nothing much about my life. The thing is, i can't think of anything much in my life now that i wanna remember fondly.

Now.. theres just issues, and issues to settle.. beyond whats in front of my face, i can't seem to be able to take into consideration. Ok that sounds like emo talk now.

So, Year 1 life ended. and i have absolutely no clue how bad the exams results are going to be. But then again, i've tried.. So. a new batch of archery juniors are here, and thus repeats the hussle and bustles of the teaching of the new year ones..

Been listless for the day.. so i guess i'll just end here.. another emo blog huh..

Who we grow up to be

2008-05-03T18:53:00.002+08:00

Looking at things, from the future, or from the present

Its always interesting when you look back at something you have done in the past, with todays feelings..

You'd feel. or should i say see. things in a different light..

but at the end of the day, we should all just let it go, since the past is but a memory with a lasting effect though.. =]

We all did the things we did in the past, because we are who we are, and those actions we've done are part of who we are. I'd like to see it in the point of view that.. even if it was repeated a hundred times.. the outcome will still be the same because thats who we are.. =]

What matters at the end of the day.. is when we look in the mirror, can we say that we've honestly tried under the given circumstances, and have no qualms about it.

I guess not everybody will be able to do that now aight it?

But.. as a condolence to myself, i've felt i tried.. now i'm trying to live with it.

The endless cycle.

2008-04-20T19:28:00.002+08:00

The Long long journey..

Now and then in life, just like in any journey, people stop for a breather, to get a little perspective to see where they have come from, and where they have reached. In short, to gain a little perspective back into their lives. Sometimes they see themselves in strange and unfamiliar places, well, thats how all journeys are like.

People venture out from the past, into a new place, a new future, where they meet new friends, new aquaintances, learn new things, or do things they never imagined they would be doing.

Thats life for you. But the only difference in life as compared to a journey?

In journeys, you can always return home, where faces are familiar, where things are like they used to be. But in life, theres only one direction.

Forward.

You can't go back to the point of time where you still had your pedestal of innocence, where food were in abundance, where scars had not marred our trust in society, nor has our desire and greed devolve us into less beings. Where friends were but unyielding pillars of support, unlike of which masks of betrayal now hides.

In life, we but see the light and dark of life, and learn from each painful or joyous events what we want and want not to be. We are all but our own judges, we decide the paths we deem fit, Be it of what nature. but in the end, there is but one truth in the world. Good and Bad.

And so at the end of the journey, or at every stops in which we evaluate our lives, we ask ourselves, "Have i found joy in my life?", the answers determines our continued search for the inner peace and contentment for which our heart yearns. We then ask again. "Have i brought joy to others in my life?" Some would think, "Wouldn't it be better for those around us to answer the questions?". I beg to differ, For whom has the right to better judge us, then ourselves? The second question would therefore give us measure as to our truth in life. Have our lives held any meaning at all.

We start from nothing, we return to the nothingness from which we spawn, but the amount in which we contribute to others in life is immeasureable.

I mourn for those who look back in their youths and regret the mess they have made, for the forward journey continues.. but each of those regrets if understood may be gains instead of loss..

Till the end of our days..

Scintillating Rhetoric

2008-03-16T00:56:00.004+08:00

Scintillating Rheteoric

And the the hussles and bussels of life breezes past as weeks gone by since my last post.. well.. nothing much to be noted.. Its just been an endless cycle of reports.. revision for subjects.. and screwing up tests and practicals.. haha.. all in a days work =]

A news paper article this morning highlighted the amount of students trying to get into both NUS and NTU placing, each offereing around 6k slots with around 30k ppl applying for it.. well it made me think for a while.. i guess my poly results was really not that bad hurh.. haha..

Keep seeing alot of people who says that how much they wanna go to uni.. how much anticipation they have for it.. haha it just makes me smile for their a little simpleton thinking of uni life.... like i always say.. getting in is one thing, surviving is another.. surviving in nus is really no easy feat to say the least.. the constant rush for time and balacing between reports, assignments, tutorials and revisions of different subjects.. haha.. ohh the fun...

Well i figured that if i start working really hard starting from now.. i might be able to pull off an average grade for my exams this year.. cm1131 test was a pretty big upset given the fact that i studied really hard for it.. i guess.. its just the way that im treating studying.. my memory work and understanding skills seems like its getting from bad to worse.. haha..

Well everyones getting on with their lives.. and i just wanna survive another sem..

hmm.. havnt been out for quite some time already.. haha i wonder how some of the shops look like now in orchard.. havnt set foot there for quite some time too..

I guess.. i should start acting my age.. well.. i'm the last liability in my family and my dad seems really unhappy with work and talked about resigning.. i guess if i was working he could be able to really do it.. and personally i still have no financial planning or goal in life.. so i guess i'm really quite what he's worried about.. ohh well.. mug harder for better tomorrow..

Indifference doesn't equate to the fact that no emotions are felt..

Living everyday like this.. well.. i don't know, i don't really feel anything.. maybe not feeling anything at all isn't a bad thing at all sometimes.. at least it makes time pass by faster than they usually do.. and i just wanna get on with my life till kingdom come..

And so.. for a better future, we spend today and yesterday doing what seems best for tmr.. for it is not our part to think and ponder.. but to do and die..

A really weird weird feeling.

2008-02-23T22:38:00.002+08:00

I woke up this morning, feeling kinda of blue

Its just the weird feeling of there being no reason to wake up, no real things that i wanna do.

Dragged myself out of bed anyway..

And so i made it to school.. not feeling like shooting, so i just sat around fletching my arrows..

And after lunch.. i just made my way home.. but didn't feel like going back so early.. so i went to bugis to take a stroll around..

Went thru Kino.. the comics shop.. the electronics store.. the singtel shop.. the arcade.. in that order. didn't spend a single cent. haha i guess thats why they call window shopping.

then i got bored and headed home.. and made a detour to get a drink at the market.. ice milk tea as usual..

When i to my house lobby, i just had this sudden urge to sit down at the bench and stone for awhile. And heres when i felt something was really wrong. lol. i was exceptionally emo today. and even sitting down and really thinking i can't figure out whats bothering me. ok that was strange. i usually could figure out whats bothering me. lol guess my aunt thought it was really weird that i was stoning at the lobby in the middle of a hot afternoon when she walked past.

Maybe its just a periodic case of male pms. haha.

It wasn't until i sat down in front of my comp later in the evening alone, with my parents out of home and everything was really quiet, that i felt really really really weird and everything inside. LOL.

And so here i am, rambling on, and just like 5 seconds ago, i suddenly thought to myself what the hell am i doing rambling on like this. lol.

Sometimes i really wonder if it's my handphone that has some problem or something, cause people havn't been replying to my message. haha. the funny thing was, i messaged myself to checked if there was something wrong with my phone or smth.

haha.. and so i end a perfectly repetative day of mine talking to myself in a blog.

I guess this blog doesn't really make sense.

lol.

Honestly. I'm a wreck.

2008-02-06T02:25:00.000+08:00

Honestly, I'm a wreck

Another sleepless night. i lost count of how many nights it has been since i was able to sleep well. free from doubts and thoughts.

I told myself a few days ago that when if i realise all days will be bad, i can just lower my expectations, and eventually things will become better.. same theory as being content with what i have..

Well I'm really trying to just live life as it is.. but i've become so absent-minded and non-chalant on all work related things and basically just wasting my life away.

I'm just saying as a person. i'm just moving backwards. and bad things just keep happening to me just because my outlook on life is pretty bleak now.. been falling sick, losing stuff.. missing datelines.. neglecting work.. I've even lost the pleasure of playing games.

And as much as i want to express it out in words. i just can't come to terms what am i feeling now. i honestly don't know what the fuck i'm doing now. waking up. sleeping. waking up. sleeping. And all those nights that i've been drinking alcohol without telling anyone hasn't made it any better. Besides the fact that i always get flushed red and stuff haha.

I feel as if the world is judging me and putting me under scrutiny. That whatever i do is wrong and a mistake. All i wanted to do was to make things right. to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel pathetic and wrong. to have an ounce of dignity from knowing what i did was for the betterment of everyone elses life.

I've never meant to make anyone upset. for 23 years i've grown up in a family where i fear so much of making my dad upset that i've become so afraid of making anyone upset. Lol honestly. i just stare at the ceiling and just keeps wondering. what the hell am i doing?

and my condolences to daniel bro..

Things beyond our comprehension or control

2008-01-28T00:39:00.000+08:00

Things Beyond Our Comprehension Or Control..

The first blog of 2008 happens to be. an emotional one..

In the past 3 weeks alot of things happened that was beyong my control and i guess it involved making people really upset. but there were things that had to be done for the betterment of all of us.. and i really hope that it was for the better in the future..

If there was someone to blame, it'd undoubtedly be me. I offer no arguement or denial of that fact. If retribution is to come in whatever sort of form towards me i'd voice no protest. But till this day i still hold to my opinion that i did it for the better..

I was told that i'm pampered and that i had things come by easy in my life. In certain aspects, i hold no contest to that statement. i have had many things come easy in my life. my physical wants and needs was often answered, i have had no major setbacks or met with extreme difficulties in the things that i do or have done.

But honestly. I have had my share of disappoints in my life. of false hopes. of turmoiled nights. of seemingly unachievable goals. of hopes of contentment that i was unable to give. I am but every other normal person who had gone through pain. and hurting someone else. is much more painful than hurting yourself.

For the entire week. I have been feeling miserable. About what kind of person i am. I just myself to be happy. i really want to be able to laugh and smile as usual. Yet i feel so ladened with negative emotions that i lost the will to be happy. I lost the will to wake up every morning.

I am but a selfish person. that was the conclusion that i came up with. and probably i will never truly be able to make anyone that i care for happy at all. Maybe the punishment would be that i will never be happy myself either. I guess its much better that im left alone for awhile. solitude would do the people around me more good than showing concern for me. I have been but incorrigible to change and susceptable to being fan jian.

I need time..

I believe.

2007-12-30T21:57:00.000+08:00

.I Believe Its.

..The End of the Year..

An ant died in the inside of my screen. its very irritaing and i cant get rid of it. z.

The summation of all things done.

I went new zealand for a full month and had a memorable and great time in the cold outbacks. Just being with friends and exploring a new place.
I had a wisdom tooth extracted. hurts like shit.
I ord-ed. (welcome to life unplanned.)
I went uni. (and did not too good for 1st sem)
I sprained and hurt my back (bad.)
I got a good camera. (not too good shots so far)

So.. nothing really done this year.. I just suddenly laid quiet and thought to myself.. Its already 2 days to the new year.. and what have i done this year.
-
And i can't think of anything. much that is. haha. nothing like a year wasted eh? haha..
-
Well.. so much for a eventful year hurh? haha..-
-
Heres to a new year. cheers!

Stuck in reverse. Coming to terms.

2007-12-23T23:20:00.000+08:00

A lost christmas feeling.

That Hollow empty feel.

And twas the night before christmas.. where family and friends reunite to spend the night together under the xmas tree's bright star.

...

Haha those were days when things were simpler and there were more things to be happy about.

or maybe its just me =]

When i was younger i remembered i'd really look forward to xmas eve or the day itself. playing christmas songs all day long. just enjoying the festive mood. But now its.. i don't know, just feels different from the earlier years.

But nonetheless, the decorations on orchard road was nice. i've always loved white and blue.

Somehow or rather i managed to survive another year since last christmas hurh?

haha was just referring to the previous year's xmas blog, it was rather pathetic. haha well this year's is better, but the mood.. is just. not there.

I wonder who stole my christmas haha. =] bring it back. o.o

I spend more time looking back then looking forward at things hurh, always "the past used to be better." and i just remembered that i've been blogging for 2 years. haha.. used to actually keep a journal, but it was more or less just me whining about how sad my life is and stuff. Haha kinda funny.

And today marks the first day i stare at my ceiliing in my room. it looks plain. and white. lol.

And so i'm left speechless. and wordless.

Well to end off.. a happy xmas and seasons greetings to those few who read this bah =] hope it's been a meaningful and fruitful xmas guys. =]

First Entry in like what, 4 months?

2007-12-17T19:36:00.000+08:00

First Entry in Like what, 3 Months?

Sleepless in seattle..

And so, this guy finally bothers to blog after 3 months? I must say its been a long 3 months though.. 1st semester was just like a blemish in my life.. so many things just happened.. not to mention the constant stress. Ohh well. guess it all boils down to boxing day when i get the results..

And so.. another end of the year.. another end to an increasingly complicated world.. haha i can almost imagine a graph where age is directly proportional to problems.. Never really had a year end where i didn't think the earlier year was better.. ohh well.

Funny thing is.. During Term time i always had games i wanted to play and complete. But when its the holidays. I just spend my time staring blankly into space and zoning out in front of the computer. So much for conducive time spent ehh.

And cos of the time i spent doing late night studying, my sleep cycles kinda all screwed up now. I lie sleepless in singapore at 2-3am in the morning.. Never really had this problem before.. haha.. ohh well..

Random jamblings.. And so last sunday night i was sitting in front of the comp doing my usual stoning routine when i suddenly felt that i should really do smth meaningful or at least constructive. So i packed my camera and went down to take some pictures, in the meantime searching for some perspective in my life. But it seems like the captions and frames of the photos i took helped little in shedding light in my reason existing..

It was a nice quiet night walk around town anyway.. quiet..

And so 2 more weeks to the new year.. i'm taking things as it comes for now.. first i sure would like to know my god-damned sem 1 results.. of all days, boxing day. lol. what a way to spend xmas in anxiety.

Ohh before i forgot, lan party at my place was quite fun. just hanging out with the guys, feels like old days in the bunk. although we didn't complete that frozen throne god-forsakened (!@##$^) game. ohh well.

And i'm having problems uploadings pics.zzz.

So whats changed this year compared to the last?

2007-09-02T20:27:00.000+08:00

So whats changed this year compared to the last?

And so.. one day or should i say a few hours before my 22nd birthday, i've finally decided to blog, after dragging for so long that is. haha. opps. talk about productivity.

Week 3 just passed last week, and i suppose the semester timetable has officially started full-fledge. And tmr, being my birthday, just had to be the longest day of the week. SUCKS. Ohh well.. que sara sara..

And talking about productivity. I really suck at it. I really feel so left behind in studies even though its only the 3rd week. and given my poor background knowledge it really isnt helping at all.. Not to add my inability to concentrate or do work at home, and my inability to study alone without asking alot of questions i don't have answers to, i'm so screwed.

Did i mention i hate QET? the lecturer feels so patronizing sometimes and theres alot of in class assignments to do and stuff, which is basically very much rather irritating. =] haha my friend raised the point "how come so many nus students fail QET will ntu students all seem to pass it?"

Haha.. more questions i don't have answers to.

And just hours before my birthday.. i question myself.. during the period of time since my 21st birthday?

...

well.. i've gotten out of the army, i've been to new zealand.. i've got sze with me..

This list goes on..

somehow.. theres less glamour to my birthday this year.

I volunteered to have my birthday cake changed to 1L of venezia ice cream. hahahaha yum.

I feel indifferent and unaccomplished prior to my 22nd birthday.. not a really nice feeling..

Emo. haha..

And freedom.. ohh freedom.. ohh thats just some people talking.. your prison is walking through this world all alone..

Sze made me cookies =] happy. =]

AHM 21KM run last weekend was one of the more accomplished things i've done in my life. although harrison couldn't make it. haha.. running with yankai was pretty ok. i mean, just having company to do something together makes it whole lot easier sometimes. haha although it took us awhile, and there were times i walked, i found it surprising that there was not a time where i thought of giving up at all. haha the muscle cramps on the thighs was damn interesting, never felt so limb or pushed so hard before. haha..

Was at Science faculty dinner and dance yesterday. haha still feel quite dumb and cheated. there were only like 20 or so tables for the whole science faculty. i was expecting something damn grand and stuff. haha ohh well. The other thing is that i'm only in year 1, and its been the 3rd week of school -.- haha ohh well. Took alot of photos though. Taking fotos make me happy =]

It feels like when you're getting old.. you don't see the world in a myriad of colours anymore. Its more like a blurry mist of grey instead of black and white.. and things becomes so complicated sometimes, that you don't know what you should be feeling, don't know if what you're feeling is correct..

I spend my lectures mostly staring blankly at the notes, trying to understand, or i forget everything i've learnt once i leave the lecture hall. zzz.

And so.. 9 months of 2007 gone just like that already. Where the hell all those days gone..

I miss just chilling out everynight in the bunk with the guys, just messing around with yankai, or playing harrison's psp or playing xbox together.

Gone are the days ehh?

Gonna need to look forward ehh. haha..

Had some problems uploading pics.. think i'll just end here bah..

Hope for the best, expect the worst, Life is a play, we're unrehearsed.

Yet Another Slow Transition..

2007-08-19T23:02:00.000+08:00

Yet Another Slow Transition..

Well Almost a full month since i last wrote.. might be cause i was lazy, or i was just too damn tired from each days activity to actually write anything..

So i actually went thru orientation week. haha.. well well.. surprise surprise..

Wasnt really a fan of "bonding" activities or cheers, but somehow i managed to survive it all! ha. Nonetheless i cant imagine if i didn't went for the orientation week, me, from poly, alone taking chemistry, with no friends or seniors to help. That would be quite a pathetic thing won't it?

Quoting from Jon, "Whats worst then being alone? Being alone in a crowded lecture hall" haha quite true quite true..

Orientation activities.. the continuous late nights, "fun" and pespiration, a overflooding of dark pinkish NUS students flooding singapore begging for money, and a finale at sentosa, well those were interesting activites, not all enjoyable, but still interesting activities with friends just made, haha..

Well the one thing i hate about NUS is its god damned bidding system, screwed up crap. made me toss and turn for an entire week trying to figure out whats the best course of action to take. Dammit. ARAHRAHRHAR. was still quite amazed when i got outbidded for science of music module with 394 points out of the 400 points i have. find it so amusing. haha..

And after talking to others i concur that the QET marking scheme is indeed questionable.. how isit possible that they mark finish everyones essay with the small language department they have? the conclusion is that they do a batch marking and just give a grade to the general group. sucks ehh? haha long story if i have to explain it further.

Haha and so.. first week of schools over already, talk about peer pressure. Like doing tutorial after lecture no. 1 in the 1st week. and going to library to study after schools done. lol not that im saying its bad and all but its quite frightening at some points of time. haha.. And to add on my lack of foundations in theoretical maths or physics puts me rather behind others from jc.. haha..

Not fun! not fun at all!

But i'll manage somehow.. somehow i always do i guess.. -=]

And i went for 2 nights continuously to watch fireworks with my girl! the crowd was quite bad, not mentioning irritating kids and pushy crowds, but the fireworks were good =] although the photos i took could use some work on.. haha..

Fireworks Fireworks.. people wait for hours just for that comparatively short moment of happiness, of dazzling display of light and colour, how true can it be said for life?

People wait a lifetime just for that small moments of time that makes them alive, that gives their lives a purpose.. And during that moment of time how most cherish the fact or long for the fact that their loved ones are beside them sharing that single moment.. For as short that moment might seem, it creates a long lasting memory etched in the hearts of many..

Crossroads in life happen so often once you've grown up, and for each step made we're only answerable to our conscience and heart.. although i'm bound to take that 4 or 3 years journey down uni studies.. but within that path still lies so many crossroads..

Well at least i've got friends whos walking with me down it.. i guess? haha.. hope for the best, expect the worst, life is a play, we're unrehearsed.

Hold me.. even though i know you're leaving..

2007-07-24T23:40:00.000+08:00

Hold Me.. Even though i know you're leaving..

Changes Abound in the past few weeks.. and for most part of it, it was tiring..

Much major changes are occuring around me..

1. The almost successful en-bloc of my house.. had a discussion among my family about whether to sell it.. well.. the money is really alot.. kinda those type a lifetime of working wont earn.. yet.. My family has been living in this apartment for 3 generations.. and change has never been a thing i liked.

I mean.. where else in singapore can you find views like this?

Well so far i can't think of any.. but to me, these views accompanied me for almost 10 years of my life, and just staring at the evening sky calms my mood..

My point of view?

Somethings in life, not even all the money in the world can buy, and my house is just one of those somethings close to my heart.

But we're not living in a fairy tale..

Well my parents are getting old.. and the amount of money can ensure their future retirement is with safeguard..

Welcome to life my friend.

Recent photo i took during on of the saturdays.. the singapore flag flew by my place before heading towards marina bay for NDP, its a pretty good scene to behold.

Side tracking abit.. I cleaned out my notice board which i left untouched for almost.. erh. 4 years? haha.. alot of crap written on it if u zoom in and see. mostly dates i forgotten what they were for too. Some where sayings i made up.. ohh well..

Next big change.

2. Since Poly, i hated orientation camps or groups, just by looking at them. I hate them very much. Yeap. I think they are lame, noisy, and for most part kinda insulting to intellect for the name of fun. For 5 years i've seen orientation camps in poly shouting "cheers", "cheers" while walking around, "cheers" for food, "cheers" competition. Yeap. They. Are. Irritating.

Another reason being that most guys go there just to hook up with girls (my personal opinion). And the seniors no matter how good the intentions are to help, i feel patronised, belittled, etc etc.

Yet. I've just signed up and paid for my science orientation week. I'm feeling the regret and stuff now. I mean.. I'm not the type that takes well to doing orientation stuff, e.g. no matter how fun it is, playing games and singing cheers.

Sigh.. Maybe its just me. My impression of my peers so far in uni is kinda low.. I'm just judging people too harshly for my own good.. But still. I. Don't. Like. Going. For. Orientations.

Just found out about a website hosting music.. pretty fun surfing around it to listen to songs.. Changed my background song to 1 i heard in Smallville, 1 of the episodes closing, find it very touching, those country acoustic type..

Happy 5 months anniversary baby. =]

Serenade..

2007-07-16T21:21:00.001+08:00

Interesting song i found in the web, kinda love it.

The Right to Love.

2007-07-10T00:01:00.000+08:00

-Night Blindness-

-The Right to Love-

Playlist - Tanya Chua songs.

Heard a S.H.E song about the right to love etc. etc. It gave me food for thought.. what gives us the right to love in the modern age? Back in the old times if marriage wasn't arranged, they were more of instantaneous attractions to the opposite size. Nowadays, love fundamentally hasn't changed, its still plain simple notion of enjoying the close companionship of the opposite gender, but humanity has made it so complex and complicating these days.. Things like MCP guys or bimbotic girls, or the analysis of the male behavior and the female POV's, i mean who heard of those centurys or decades ago?

Might not be making any sense. hmm. my point being.. people think that to be in a relationship, it must fundamentally be built on the same interest, hobbies, attitude, character, before they fall in love. Well they have the right to be picky well it may jolly well be the single most impt choice in their life, BUT haha my real point is.

Isn't falling in love more than just figures (i mean figure of speech and monetarily speaking)? Sure anybody can say they love someone, but how do we weigh or prove it? (although i never liked proving or quantifying love). By how much they know about the other party? or Monetarily?

By how much they are willing to sacrifice for the one they love, thats what i always thought it would be. Sure, i might not be able to know or remember exactly that much info about someone (though it shows the effort you take to remember the knowledge xD) But i would gladly give up a lifetime for a moment with the one i love.

Muacks.

Emotional's the word to be using for tonight again i suppose.. emotions for memories gone by, for things we've lost, for uncertainty of things to come, for fear, for doubt, for longing..

So ended the first 10 days of July, a month and 2 days it's been since ORD, yet seems so long ago doesnt it ehh? haha..

A trip to pay respects to ivan reminds me of how fragile life is, and how old friendship never dies.

Pure exhaustion drives me to rest early tonight.

Hope for the best, expect the worst, life is a play, we're unrehearsed.

These are troubled times.. aren't they..?

2007-06-28T01:35:00.000+08:00

These are troubled times.. aren't they..?

Couldn't sleep tonight.. thought a blog entry would help..

Do any of you still have grand parents around..? both my grandmoms are still around.

And i'm afraid almost everyday that they won't be there anymore if i stopped caring.

Its just this, insurmountable fear in me.. I'm just frightened, terrified that one day i'll wake up only to find them gone..

I don't seem like it, but i love them very much.. there were instances when i was talking to my grandmom that i had to fight back the tears caused just by having these thoughts..

If only i could really believe in heaven and god..

Whenever i'm leaving my gramps place, i'd always look at them closely, cause i'm afraid that it'll be the last time i'd be able to look at them..

Whenever i walk past temples, i'd always pray for their health above all others..

I know excessive fear breds no good benefits.. but i'm just not good at coping with loss..

I've lost alot in my life already.. gains no less, but loss often leaves an irreplaceble scar..

Some scars run deep..

Its been 12 years already, but i still miss my grandfather.

I pray he's looking over my family..

Unforgettable..

2007-06-24T22:11:00.000+08:00

..Wonderful Tonight..

Well.. almost a whole month after i left the army, and i seriously havn't been doing much conducive or meaningful at all have i? it's just been.. watching movies.. going out shopping.. hanging out outside.. playing games..

Was just editting my blog template, font size, haha kinda pain in the ass thingy.. ohh well..

Out of the things i set myself out to do during thise 2 months of break, think i've only kinda doing 1 of em, which is studying for uni.. flipping through the lecture notes.. driving? photography? haha.. big ambitions for a man of little drive, heart, or passion.. not alot of time too..

Watched 2 movies i've rented in 2 days, and both of them were inspirational to say the least.. Rocky Balboa and Music and Lyrics.

Rocky Balboa.. about a legend whos coping with loss and adapting with now. applying of life's philosophies with references to boxing, "It ain't about how hard you hit, its how hard you get hit and keep moving forward.. thats how Winning is done.." Watching it alone on a weekday afternoon was a nice way to spend the afternoon..

Music and Lyrics.. simply, about music making, somewhat kinda predictable love flicks and stuff, but its references towards how love can be expressed through music and lyrics is nice.. e.g "melodies are like instant attractions towards smth, cos of their looks or etc. but lyrics, its the soul, it is what you discover after looking deeper.."

And I particularly love the theme song lyrics and melody.. the lyrics are as follows.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ce_DxJFdgM4

-----------------------

I've been living with a shadow overhead..

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

I've been lonely for so long..

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on..

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need em again someday

I've been setting aside time

To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

--------------------------

Thats the first 2 verses, watch the youtube video, its nice..

Nothing like a romantic and touching movie now and then ehh..

If it was you, how would you cope with loss? blaming yourself for things you could've done? or accepting it as part of life's challenges.. as much as possible.. i try to honor those losses i've made by remembering them.. waas just thinking about it.. its been 12 years since my grandfather passed away.. and i can't say i don't miss him..

My mind has been wondering off to far away places often these days..

Same side of the moon..

NS Boy.. Civilian Man..

2007-06-12T22:14:00.000+08:00

2 Years.. All the Experiences In 2 Years..

And so, NS life ends with a small thud rather than a big bang..

No all ends comes dramatically i suppose..

It ended with a quiet morning.. slightly cooling.. and the mrt ride to camp was on full of recollections of army memories.. well, theres just too many to even begin speaking off.

Thats how all NS people feel i suppose.. too many memories.. it'll take forever to recollect..

Perfect stories for the grandchildren i suppose. haha..

Guess i was hoping for a dramatic closure of sorts.. kinda have alot of chapters in my life left unclosed..

With no camp to return to and no work left undone in camp.. i feel empty.

Like a quiet guitar left on the shelf..

Close your eyes, and just blink *blink* now look at the calender.. June 12th, 2007..

Wow..? Half a year gone like that.. and its just less than 4 months ago i was still in NZ, almost feels so long ago.. time.. and its relativity..

Been feeling tired these days.. Just.. taking some time to adjust to the changes in my tempo in life.. taking my time to breathe the air around and just absorb the situation.. feeling kinda moody these days..

Well at least friday is a day to look forward to.. Friday..

I never looked back the day i left camp, was too exhilarated about the fact that i'm leaving.. wonder what would if i had looked back.. Shadows of the past fading?

Its always difficult parting with old memories..

Always loved this picture.. haha using this to express my feeling.. goodbye to yesterday..

Till then.. hope for the best, expect the worst, life is play, we're unrehearsed..

Condemn wisdom tooth extraction

2007-05-29T22:28:00.000+08:00

Wisdom tooth extraction

Call me a wuss, call me whatever, but. wisdom tooth extraction. hurts like shit. its a harrowing and traumatising experience. kinda haunted memories of the bloody tooth saw buzzing around in my mouth. haha..

[Continued on Friday]

Curses to the swollen mouth caused by the wisdom tooth extraction, i feel ugly =/

Was about to start my usual bout of doing nonsensical unproductive "fun" things in front of my comp.. but looking at the evening skies changed that thought..

Has anybody heard the sound of the world revolving before? Particularly at evening time.. Hmm.. guess not.. maybe i'm just weird.. or have too much time while people are working (sorry baby i feel bad that you're having such a hard time at work while i'm doing nothing).. but..

After a meal at home, when you go back to your room, just.. don't do anything.. stop for awhile. and just listen.. well you might not hear what i would've heard.. but.. you sure can feel time passing you by.. and the world just going forwards in time.. and if you do feel it.. it opens up the perception towards some of the things in life.. Epiphany.. or so i like to call it.. ohh well..

The Computer show at suntec is mad. the floor design sucks. seriously. the back alley ways where people usually go for the component bargains were so choked up that i gave up walking through it. haha i can almost imagine how to crowd was yesterday, and for saturday and sunday. Have fun squeezing guys.

And for boyfriends and husbands. For goodness sake. Please dont bring your girlfriend, date, wife, kids or maid for whatever reason down to the computer show. Please. My advice. ITS REALLY A DUMB IDEA. Yeap.

Really feeling the need for future financial planning.. whenever i see my dwindling 'fortunes' when i withdraw money i start to feel the pain. Army money is still good money sa.. ohh well.. last pay day..

And so.. the last week before i ORD.. and a few more weeks before the rest go into army with their botak heads and yes sir no sir..

Like i always feel.. 2 years.. a lifetime..

some funny links for the bored mind..

http://www.handdrawngames.com/DesktopTD/ - Addictive Flash Game

http://officiallinerider.com/play.html - This very cool drawing/physics game where a rider will ride along the line that you draw, check out the videos for it, its funny haha..

Ohh well.. ending here.. don't know what i'll be doing.. back to meaningless keyboard mashing of games? or studying.. the choices in life..

Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst.. Life is a Play, We're Unrehearsed..

May.. the month of beautiful sunsets..

2007-05-25T22:35:00.000+08:00

May.. The Month of Beautiful Sunsets..

haha isit just me..? or am i getting lazier to blog these days hurh..
-

Well actually just been kinda occupied at night these few weeks.. haha just don't have the urge to write anything..
-

Anyway heres it!

Lots happened.. just wasn't sure of where to start.. haha~

Well chronically.. i guess one of the things that happened was that my dad spammed $2k into Sony a-100 DSLR camera.. and.. he's not really into photography somemore! haha.. guess who has dibs on it hehe.. took really a couple of photos with it while walking around the amoy street area/shop houses.. just.. lazy to upload yet haha.. still got a workshop to attend tomorrow evening.. fwahh...

The funny thing about photography is trying to link creative shooting in simple with theoretical knowledge.. was trying to figure out what the hell is depth of field and how is it related to aperture size and focal length.. hahaha~

Havn't been back to camp for awhile already too.. haha i practically havn't cleared any of the stuff in my bunk.. namely the tv.. the ps2.. my combat equipment and stuff.. hahaha ohh well, ord lo :P gonna have to get harry to help me drive back some nxt week..

Whoop and so its ending may already.. so starts the period of time where venus is the brightest and the evening skies are vivid and full of colours and emotions.. haha..

[Continued a day later]

And so.. back from archery and photography workshop.. Given the fact that i havn't exercised for almost a month hahahaha and the fact that i recovered from a big illness, didn't shoot all too well.. haha. excuses i give myself..

Photography workshop was fun, learnt alot of the fundamentals although i guess theres still much more technical stuff to learn..-

Funny thing about photography is that the more you learn about the technical aspects of taking good pictures, the more stressed you become of taking a perfect vivid coloured picture that conveys your emotions.. haha.

Like this pic i took with sze.. haha although i think i look kinda weird.. hmm.. new specs please..

Picture 1. Woohoo 3 months anniversary!

Picture 2. This Waraku pasta theme restaurant at The Central Shopping Mall (Clarke Quay) haha kinda been there a couple of times with sze already, always spoilt for food choice there, all jap fusion food can be found there, and i've always loved sitting by the river side after a meal with sze.. cooling and nice.. hee..

Picture 3. Our extravagent 3rd anniversary dinner! Forgot the name of the set meal, so i guess a picture tells a thousand words. haha.. I like the miso grilled rice stick, sweet and salty taste, like soya sauced dango.. Price? Lol.. i'll leave that for you all to guess.. But the service and food was good. =]

Happy 3rd month anniversary baby.. never doubted that we'll cross this mark, although i know there were alot of heartaches in just this 3 months.. but.. yeap, lets make us last ehh? bloop..

Tada.. my present to sze.. although kinda last min and no initiative.. BUT, i did put my heart into making it k.. haha.. i like the star wars miniature toys she gave me too.. its suppose to be this star wars miniature card game with figurines.. but i just love the figurines so much.. haha.. havnt even open the box yet..

Really hate blogger words formatting some time, gives me weird spacings between paragraphs.

Anyway.. 2 more weeks to the end of army life.. 2 years.. a life time, never forget the first day when i just entered army, there was this spec that was ord-ing that day, looked at the platoon, smiled, and said.. "Your day will come one day, that day you'll see isn't too far ahead"

So many nights outfield sweating, being stressed and stuff.. and now its ending.. ohh well.

Recieved NUS enrolment package, kinda browsed through it, theres so many different camps its dizzying, and i really really really really don't want to play dumb camp bonding games.. seen so many years of it in poly and i find it seriously degrading and stuff to sing group songs and cheers and water games. Haha kinda guai lan? Feel that camps are for those guys who are dying to know girls and hook up. hahaha.. ohh well..

Kinda in the light hearted mood these days, don't feel like having deep thoughts about the future and stuff.. just living day to day by itself.. but seriously got to change soon..

E·piph·a·ny

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

My new favorite word.. seriously think about it, it occurs to everyone once in awhile.. like while playing an mmorpg. and just looking at your room surrounding and u think to yourself, and come to the conclusion that your life is kinda pathetic. haha that kinda feeling, ya know.

Anyway stopping here.. no deep thoughts tonight.. just a tired mind rattling abit here and there.. haha..

An Emo Night..

2007-05-06T01:30:00.000+08:00

..Emo night.. ..Vagabond no more?..

A day in sentosa, a burnt upper body, an emo night.

having the blues for no apparent recent this week.. haha sorry baby if i was kinda in a low mood this week.

I was saying previously that i felt different from who i was.. somehow i still do..

I just feel different in life which i cannot comprehend or put into words. its just. different.

Contentment may be the word i suppose.. having sze whos always there for me.. =]

Vagabond [vag-uh-bond] -adjective
1.wandering from place to place without any settled home; nomadic: a vagabond tribe.
2.leading an unsettled or carefree life.
3.disreputable; worthless; shiftless.

8.a carefree, worthless, or irresponsible person; rogue.

am i a Vagabond no more?

I'm 22 this year. and somehow as army life ends. i feel spent. just.. don't want to do anything anymore..

I've been staring rather meaningless at the computer screen, not playing game most of the time, just.. staring.

Archery..? well.. i'm shooting so half-assedly that its kinda embarassing to say, although i still enjoy shooting..

Take up a new sport? new language? piano playing? guitar playing? photography? project 692^2? unfinished work in camp? start studying up of university subject? spending time with my girl? theres no lack of things for me to do.. yet day after day all i can think about is. staring blankly out the window or the computer screen..

What defines conducive? doing something that builds up on your character? accomplishment? beats me..

I hate being half-assed. I want resolution in my life.. i don't want to live in fear of endings anymore. I feel like i'm kinda in a wreak, feeling purpose-less and all. haha no biggy i suppose, it'll change. Its just the emo night making me feel this way now..

Anyway life wasn't all gloomy and dark this week, although that might differ for the weather.. being raining at nights and afternoons for the past few days.. and i've always liked rainy weather.. =]

Been to a few places these week.. cpt yi-jin's church wedding was an interesting event.. and just came back from sentosa afternoon..

Haha and watched spiderman 3 twice in 2 days. ugh. long story. lol. Anyway.. I hate obnoxious americanised kids and singaporean ang bengs equally. Was at the cinema with these 2 different group of guys.. and the comments they make throught the movie can really piss people off.. just robs the mood of the movie.. the failure of the modern education system and parental guidance of moral character? and isit just me or are ah-bengs more common these days? haha.. Yet who am i to judge them hurh..

Haha i'm pooped.. another blog without any fotos.. haha sorry cant find any really interesting i wanna share.. ohh well. cheers.

April's Fool.. Aprils fool...

2007-04-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

Aprils Fool.. April's Fools..

So it seems with the blink of an eye april draws to an end.. eventful as it was.. most of the time i was too tired or not in the mood to write the blog.. haha.. well here it is..

To summarize? april.. was a long month.. work.. social activities.. etc etc.. it was more or less like a continuous cycle without much stop haha.. I suppose the most eventful week was when my parents were away in china.. haha..

Firstly.. Having 7 guys squeezing in your room with their laptops and computers playing lan together is quite a interesting experience.. haha.. next morning i woke up finding people sleeping all over the place.. funniest was wenhans description of his cold night under my rooms airconditioning system.. haha..

And so the ORD date draws closer and closer.. and the frequencies in camp reduces slowly and surely..

To think about it.. haha i started blogging around this time 2 years ago before i entered the army.. haha reading it up now i could almost feel the fear and apprehension that plagued me for weeks before i went into NS.. haha.. how far have i gone from where i started..

Relinquishing my duties slowly in camp.. haha alot to pass down though..

Recently i kept feeling that theres alot of things to do yet somehow or rather i just have not the heart or time to complete it.. many things to do before ORD and after ORD.. hmm.. linking up with old friends from all places.. getting of contacts from people in the unit.. handing down of battery affairs.. packing of my bunk.. clearance form.. getting of uni lecture notes.. doing project 692^2.. clearing up the mess of my room (forever clearing..) haha etc etc..

And so many things to buy yet so little money.. haha was thinking of getting a ps3 or wii.. and now my dads interested in the SLR camera which i intend to chip it.. ohh well.. haha.. choices in life..

Somehow or rather.. i noticed i've kinda changed..

I'm not really fascinated by romantic stuff/movies/comics these days.. getting more and more non-chalant.. and my thoughts seldom deep.. not really thinking about the big picture but small snippets at times.. or somewhat haha i'm always too tired to think of anything else other than on a daily basis of things to do.. i suppose thats why i havn't blogged in a while too..

Well i won't say if its a good or bad change.. just feels different from who i was.. i use to enjoy having deep thoughts no matter how nonsensical or meaningless they would seem.. its my way of looking at life's occurences slowly.. and i havn't had the heart to write down things i wanna remember or want to do, much lesser putting into actions my thoughts these days.. haha guess i'm just lazy am i? well that i must change though..

One thing that hasn't changed is my adoration of piano music and orchestra.. fell in love with rachminoff 's (i think thats how its spelled) concerto no. 2 ever since i watched nodame the anime.. haha nice emotions it conveys.. strong.. unwavering kind of feeling. haha..

I wonder who really reads my blog these days. besides my girl that is.. haha..

Till i get my ability for deep thoughts again.. ending here..

My flaws.

2007-04-06T21:20:00.000+08:00

..A Flawed Person.. Another Point In Life i want to Mark..

..The Quieting of Nights..

Been long since i've blogged hurh, well.. been doing some thinking for the week after things happened..

I'm not perfect, i never said i was, although it was my character to try to achieve it, and my ignorance to distort my views, to facilitate percieving life in a way that i'm always right.

I was wrong. Truth is, I'm self centered, no matter what i did.. i can't remember the last time i did something really selfless to the ones i love and care for.

Nah this isn't just another one of those blogs where i'm in a really low mood and just berating myself for things i've done, haha as my girl would say.. "rolling in the mud."

I'm trashing out all of my flaws, and i'm coming to terms with them today..

Recent happenings make me think through about my behaviour and attitude.. firstly.. the quarrel i had with sze..

Don't think its really necessary to put the whole issue into detail bah.. bottom line is.. baby.. i took you for granted, no excuses, no argument about it, i admit it.. things happened too easily for me to know how much i should cherish you.. you've tried to tell me a couple of times about how you felt but i brushed it aside cos i was self-centred.. like i was saying.. i'll change. i really appreciate the effort that you took to try to talk things out between the both of us and how much faith you put in me.

I take us seriously, so don't ya worry. =]

Secondly.. a conversation with jinsen about how i am at work..

It was somewhat uncomfortable during the conversation.. reason being.. what he says about me made sense totally, that my attitude towards my peers is sucky.

I had this sense of self glorified feeling of righteousness about my ideals regarding work, or be it interpersonal relationships towards my colleagues or men..

Towards my colleagues, i was always critical of them, of their work ethics or their perceptions or attitude whenever it differed from mine.

Towards my guys, i unknowingly distant myself from them.. i guess the pride of an officer got to me..

Towards my friends.. my attitude sucked guys.. i flared up at you all damn easily, which was really uncalled for, haha and yankai i always mess up our corner and drool on your bed, HAHAHAHA my bad :P.

No matter what was right or wrong, i could have approached things in a better way i guess..

Well with my love life and work relationships talked about.. i guess this other thing i really wanna talk about is about what i did last year, haha never really talked about it openly.. but thought i might as well say out how i feel now..

As a guy, i was overbearing and definitely out of line to an extent that made you totally frustrated, haha that i guess we all know that hurh. i cared so much for my own feelings that i became lost and deillusioned.. haha now i really kinda felt guilty that i was actually jealous of sam and ant at points of time somewhat gave them a lousy attitude last time haha, i apologize for that guys, and that drunk incident wasn't very nice too, just wanted to apologize again for it.. haha cause i never failed to keep feeling bad about it.

That felt weird. somehow. =.= i'm weird. =.-

Anyways.. recent changes.. the the quieting of the bunks.. haha for most parts of the week there was only me and harrison in the bunk, besides rayner. a bunk of initially 10 slowly softens and becomes somewhat devoid of the laughters used to be heard at night..

Everybody's looking forward to ORD, but i wonder sometimes if they've really thought about what waits for them after ORD, somewhat in army things have been planned out for you, theres always a certain sequence or order of things to be completed and done, but when we leave NS, we're young adult's and its about time that we make the decision's of what we want to do with the rest of our lives..

Furthermore.. the companionship we've been so used to at night.. sleeping together with a group of guys which have been through alot with you, just chatting on recent happenings and views of things.. I'm already starting to miss that..

Haha pretty long blog hurh..? But just to end.. Recently im starting to think more about what i really want out of my life.. and mainly the reason was because of sze.. just wanted to say how much she means to me and for making me realise my flaws.. thanks baby..

Hope for the best, Expect the Worst, Life is a Play, We're Unrehearsed..

Transitions..

2007-03-18T21:38:00.000+08:00

Well.. another post of ramblings in my life..

And so i spent the sunday in camp doing doing somethings thats nothing in particular. Its been quite awhile since i've done that..

A quiet evening in camp set the mood for some thinking.. about things that has come to past.

2 and a 1/2 months passed since the ushering of the new year. and its been a very different atmosphere around my life itself as compared to before.

I liken the recent happening to that of a transitional phase in my life now..

As a person leaving the army soon for a life of learning once more, from giving instructions to one of taking and learning instructions.. Back to a common society where i am but any other man whos opinion is holds less value or lightly heeded.. Back to a life of worrying of money spent unable to replace, To a life where things aren't that predictable such as waking up early in the morning deciding on the schedule of what to do in camp for the day..

Yet.. From a life of drifting for awhile to a life where i've found my anchor as to who i am in times unknown..

Haha but i guess i'm nonetheless that childish lil kid from last year hurh dear? haha bear with me laa..

What event signifies the changes of the different phases in our lifes?

I guess for this phase of my life.. that event will be the closure of the musical fountain in sentosa, I never liked the idea of IR in singapore from the beginning, but now the closing down of the musical fountain to pave the way for the IR, Its almost like selling off a part of who we are for a future thats somewhat down the wrong path..

All good things have to end somehow i suppose..

I guess nobody can deny how much memories have been created at the musical fountain throughout the past many years, I've never been to the fountain shows itself for almost 10 years, but i still never forgot how much i enjoy the show.

I doubt i'll forget the time i spend at the musical fountain this saturday then. I hope pictures that i'd show my kids when im old of the musical fountain could paint the same magic.

As much as i'm feeling contented and happy now, i can't help but to continue to have doubts and uncertainty.. things that happened to me before prevents me from realising how much love there is in my life now.. and i'd be damn to let that be the reason that pushes you away from me.. i love you dear =]

Que Sara Sara.. Somethings in life is meant to be simple, complications caused by my own excessive thinking never lead to anything good before.

A busy week ahead indeed! packing.. taking over standby.. parade rehearsals.. 4 days straight of DO duty.. haha i guess this week the pay is hard to earn indeed.

Simply fascinated by the phantom of the opera musical, so emotionally charged. haha..

Till next time..

2 weeks..

2007-03-09T01:37:00.000+08:00

.2 Weeks.
Well.. been a long time since i've blogged hurh.. 2 weeks..
-

Tadaa! The love in my life at this point of time.. and hopefully forever.
-
...
-
I guess most of the peeps especially those in archery be wondering how come out of the blue we're just together. well.. haha both of us have no clue either.. just out of the sudden i've found out that i attracted to sze and.. well kinda mutual, so.. might as well just try out expressing those feelings out. haha well.. i like the way things are now, kinda just content.
-
Well its really no point lamenting about the past and being pathetic about it.. the future's for living i suppose. well i found my future. =] haha guess "new year, fresh start" does apply hurh?
-
and so.. many things happened over the past 2 weeks, one of the more prominent ones would be.. arty anniversary dinner.. haha..
-

The famous penguin suit.. haha well i didnt look as bad as i thought i would in it, feels quite fun to don formal military wear once in a while..

I guess the next big happening would be the archery competition in sp bah..

well.. manifestation of the aims and goals of batches of sp archers to start our own competition.. well it did work out pretty well, haha not too bad.. i guess everyone had an interesting experience doing up the whole competition..

Well.. left wish just around 3 months in the army before i'm done with it.. 3 months isn't long considered the many months i've spent inside.. but somehow work just kinda finds me wherever i go.. haha being the least occupied officer around, its easy to get arrowed for work and stuff.. haha not to mention the 4 days of extra which is to be served soon.. ohh well.. what to do.

Now that i have sze.. things in my life starts to fall in place.. spends less time stoning.. work gets done faster.. and.. i don't spend time indulging in self-pity anymore for things i've done..

I guess its been quite long since i've really felt loved.. the past year was so to say a lesson learnt in my life.. and i doubt i'd ever forget what happened right in the year where i was 21.. but now.. no more drifting aimlessly staring out the window or at stuff lamenting anymore.. i'm complete.. Thanks dear..

well pretty late in the morning already.. i guess some shut eyes would be good now..

Cheerios..

Archery.

2007-02-25T21:25:00.000+08:00

Archery

Its been a very interesting week this is.. alot happened.

The SP open competition.. the arty anniversary dinner.. and.. haha well. us.

It just dawned upon me how much of my life's experiences are brought by archery. my social life, my love life, my best friends, my best times, my self discovery.

Friends that i've come to known, and how they've come to understand and know me.

People whom i wanted to understand more about, who's company i enjoyed so much..

Laughters and fun at the multi purpose field over so many years.

Everytime i look over the field i can almost see my life over the last few years unfolding in front of me..

I've come to love the club more than i really love the sport. haha.. well.. didn't perform that well in the sp open competition? haha.. just.. ohh well im a lousy shooter. bahh~

Well last year.. things i've done hurted me alot and the trust we've had.. but.. that was last year.

Besides, things are different now.. haha..

傻瓜!

Confusing week? and unexpected turn of events to alot of people.. Just let time unravel itself bah.. I'm happy with the way things are now..

不是我不明白

2007-02-20T21:03:00.000+08:00

....
-
My ie crashed just when i typed the last sentence.
-
“我真的累了"
-
dotz. haha ohh well, wtf feeling now. haha..

and so.. was uploading some pics just now.

What i have been staring at since 1pm in the afternoon.. notice the 2 cans of coffee and yakualts, remnants of an afternoon feeding frenzy.

Messed up the whole bed and i was stoning too much to really care. haha! lies in a state of semi-conscious state much akin to death induced slumber. I have totally no idea what that meant. lol..

Haha the other things i've been starting at.. can't play cause both finger skins are gone from playing too much acoustic. z.

Lol congratulations to eeyang for getting into the common predicament suffered by most guys. haha no advices to offer! only advice is to not listen to my advice. lol.. hopes things work out for him.

A morning run at east coast part was refreshing.. running takes away whatever confusions that transpires inside the mind.. haha feeling upset! just run faster! haha~

*breaths in..*

不是我不明白，我真的是那么糟糕.

了解了啦.

超级变变变！

*breaths out..*

Haha thanks xian for the chat yesterday. and sze for the movie company.

Haha whoop.. so ends 1 1/2 weeks of rest, going to be the only idiot whos going back camp tonight to sleep =.= please dont let my pillow be too mouldy. zzz.

haha ohh well.. its been a good week and ahalf of rest since new zealand, time to get back to work and finish up whatevers left for me to do in the army..

Smile more ehh. =]

and no i don't want to be like zy. haha.. cheers! *gulps down baileys* AHHHH...

Lalalaallaa~

Closure.

2007-02-20T01:11:00.000+08:00

-Opening-Closure-

Ghost rider, haha always found that piece of american legend intriguing, well at least i know some parts of the real legend through ghost rider the movie.
-

A sudden urge to walk around vivo city and a movie bites found me watching it there this afternoon.

Pointy hair from disturbed sleep..

The mad queue at the new sentosa monorail station at vivocity haha..

And the typical poser look trying to look sad.. hahah! hat compliments from sze compliments from xian haha.

Whoop.. spent almost madly last week onwards, spent $20 on mocha blended alone since last week, etc etc on food. SAVE UP. zzz.

Dad just rejected my proposal to get a gaming laptop for nus lol~ damn. he saw right thru me, i'm still that easy to read? lol

last day for the long 1 week+ leave from camp, whoop..

A new start?

2007-02-19T01:58:00.000+08:00

-The Answer-

Corrinne May - The Answer

I believe you are the answer to every tear i've cried,

i believe that you are with me,

My rising and my light..

hmm.. a little too spiritual song hurh..? but the melody is smooth and calm..

A new blogskin, a new start to another chapter. Change is inevitable! Wanted a darker skin.. a darker place to pour my emotions out. happy 101 post btw. haha. hmm that means.. around 1 post every 3 days for 2 years haha.

Started editting the skin since 11pm and now its 2.04am. ohh well.. i really didnt notice the time fly so fast. Blogskinning isa tedious job haha.

Well chinese new year day came and gone, it was atypical amongst relatives close and distant, chatting about nothing much but superficial issues and catching up on life, haha well i'd really like to be able to chat more with them on life and all, but.. ohh well.. "distant" relatives..

?._. A short meet up throws me into confusion ._.?

Zettai..

Decision! => To join nus outdoor archery competition, foolishness or bravery?

I just want to prove myself that i'm not as hopeless a person as i think i am. Aiming for at least a team event medal. Yosh.

Haha another interesting postcard from postsecrets.blogspot.com

Whats your worth, whats your proof of existence, what do you live for.

2007-02-17T23:25:00.000+08:00

Whats your worth, whats your proof of existence, what do you live for. who do you live for.

Its been 5 months exactly since that day hurh?

Chats this week made me realize most stuffs.

Not being pessimistic, but anyway you look at it, humanity's strengths lays buried by their flaws, and a way or another, we're screwed. =]

And i realized that theres more friends that are going overseas then i know. i only remembered that alinia is already in aussie, grace and renee are there too, jeff going there tmr, monkee intended to overseas to study music, huixian arh.. bernice arh.. i think.. eeyang going next year arh.. almost feel likes a mass migration out of singapore in place.

Haha or well.. maybe they realized it earlier than me that staying in singapore has no future, the education system here is really quite flawed now that i really think about it after having a chat with monkee.

Is staying in singapore to study in either nus or ntu the way of life i intend to lead? Is teaching really the profession that i want to be in for the rest of my life?

What do i want out of my life?

Although its quite dumb and everything, but i don't intend to strive for materalistic goals for my life..

All i want out of this love is to love, and be loved in return.

if its materialistic goals that i'd be trying to achieve, it'll be for treating my other 1/2 better down the road in my life.

Quite dumb in the sense that love may just be an illusion of the mind. But no one but yourself can judge what is worth living or dying for.

The wonders of small gestures.

Happy chinese new year!

Whats a good song, a good singer.

2007-02-13T23:34:00.000+08:00

Whats a good song, Who is a good singer?

To me?

A good song is one that doesn't need complicated words or sentence structure, but conveys the feeling of whatever the writer wants to express.

A good singer is one who doesn't neccesarily have to hit high notes, or has a strong and clear voice with a deep resonance. But someone who puts all his feeling into what he's singing.

I really just discovered i dont really remembered the last time i put all my feelings into singing a song, besides the song that i wrote.. haha.. self discovery ehh.

http://www.purevolume.com/punkd1

The new song What Would You is nice, kinda just stopped what i was doing when i listened to it..

I would close my eyes

And pretend that we're alright

And thinking that we're still together

I would try to free

From the battles all inside me

When every wrong seems so right

Are we better off as friends

I don't think we understand

Words that cut so deep left on the way

What would you say to me

If we have never met before

If I still feel the way I do

When every night I dream of you

I guess it's true

What my heart can't do

Hahaha didnt change the blog music to this song if not my blog is going to sound really pathetic.

And so, a highly commercialised day dominated by hallmark arrives shortly! Anyday in a relationship is special anyway, why wait only till valentine's day to give whatsoever surprise or anything anyway.

To those attached..
enjoy being conned by a highly commercialised world who try to rack in cash via a monopolised ring of mechandise =] hahaha

My way of self consolation.

My last valentine's day was spent quarreling with kailing, soooo well this year theres no kailing to quarrel with, no obligations to fulfill, just another day, nothing more, nothing less. =]

Was talking about how i was when i was still schooling.. around year 2 or year 3 that time hurh.. all i can remember was.. i remembered myself being more self-confident and outspoken.. now.. kinda ohh well. hahaha.. deviations in life from who i was and who i wanted to be hurh? rectifying liao lo...

Good movies to watch! happening year at the movies! so many cool uns.

humbah lazy to type liao, hahaha havn't really done anything productive since i'm back from nz hurh. whoops. been just flattening my ass on the seat since saturday.

What my heart can't do.

Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.

Nothing's Changed..?

2007-02-10T21:39:00.000+08:00

Nothing's Changed..? Has it?

And so i return early on a saturday morning at 1am. ... Well its good to be back.. =]

So.. whats changed..? Havn't found out any yet.

well.. New zealand was memorable. wrote a 18 pages journal there. I'll post the whole file up next time..

A vicious cycle hurh?

Spent all the kiwi money i brought over, and.. of all the money i spent (except on food), only a $2.50 metal kiwi shaped key chain was for myself. haha..

So... according to the divination i got before i left.. Away from everything for awhile will make things return to normal. Has it..?

The time spent in new zealand was.. one without worries..

No hold backs.. no worries.. no troubles from those in my normal life.. not too much thinking..

Whoop! bought a bottle of baileys cream caramel for myself.. Nice drink..

So now that i'm back.. Anybody noticed me gone in the first place? haha..

Renee's in melbourne.. Grace's in melbourne.. There goes my 2 good friends for awhile..

Ever felt like you have so much to say, but you can't find the right person to share it with..?

Express it in songs i guess..

1 month in new zealand hasn't changed much for me.. things are still the way they are.. i still havn't grown up at all.. i really hate to admit it..

Really tired.. good night..

2007-01-13T16:35:00.000+08:00

I'm gone from home.

Cause i'm leaving on a jet plane, dont know when i'll be back again, ohh babe.. i dont want to go..

I'll be back in a month..

Try not to change stuff around singapore too much ehh. a month isn't long, but it isn't short too.

Cheerios.

2007-01-13T00:29:00.000+08:00

Bah its just 1 month.. things happen for a reason. Whatever nonsensical reason, but still a reason. haha..

I'd just don't want anything bad to happen when i'm gone.. just.. worried about losing any of my grandmas when i'm there..

Things happen for a reason.

Good night, good morning. bye bye for now..

I am not ready..

2007-01-12T23:28:00.000+08:00

I am not ready..

A cold.. bleak.. kinda windy.. rainy.. friday night.. to end the week.. Ohh well..

In my room alone.. lit by my paper lamp glowing in orange hue, listening to piano songs..

Its pretty cold..

I'm not ready to leave.. bags are packed.. but.. i'm just not ready to go..

What am i afraid of leaving behind? I really don't know myself..

What am i hoping to change when i'm gone for the month..? my self control.. and.. things..

What am i hoping not to change when i'm gone for the month..? things..

Feeling kind of in a low mood now, i should be happy, been looking forward to new zealand since last year, but why am i feeling this way..?

Was thinking about it for the week..

To love or be loved?

To be the one who hurts people or the one who gets hurt?

Me?

I'll choose to love.

I'll choose to be the one being hurt than hurting others..

I'm making things impossible for myself.. i'm doing myself in..

I'm thinking too much.. again and again..

Good night.. sweet dreams.

Boston

2007-01-08T21:36:00.000+08:00

Boston

..Boston by augustana..

In the light of the sun.. is there anyone..? oh it has begun..

Came home to get my isac card.. and just to have some peace and quiet..

So how was my day? nothing much done, nothing much to do.

=.= days like this really kills me..

Back to camp. Bad Headache.

Really felt like i was dying when i was dozing off in the afternoon. I had the feeling i was trying to wake up but i couldn't move my body or open my eyes. didn't happen once too. Quite surreal feeling.. I really wonder what the hell is going on..

My last weekend for awhile.

2007-01-07T21:32:00.000+08:00

My Last weekend around for awhile..
-
So passes the first week of the new year ehh?
-
I was too damn bored in the afternoon. It sounds quite horrible too.. haha.. River Flows In You..
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmRuGMr1jPE
-
Was talking to a friend about courtship and relationships. I was commenting that the courtship phase was somewhat the most crucial part and thats where most guys screw up big time. but the courtship part is also where the person being courted gets to know the other party more, and being nervous most people show what they want the others to see but not what they really are, isn't it? and usually they somewhat lack their own decisions, wanting only to do whatever the other one's to do instead of deciding what to do?
-
Bah i'm just rambling.
-
Are most guys husband material but not boyfriend material? theres actually quite a big difference from being a husband and a boyfriend i guess.
-
=.= and yar i know.. i figured out that i'm neither material.. haha revelations...! =.=
-
I'm just irritating.. But! Renovation in progress! haha..
-
So this is the last sunday before i fly off to new zealand. ohh well time passed pretty fast today
-
Looking at yao sheng makes me feel quite upset for him also. Lol.. 3rd person point of view at things can be complicated too.. just.. sometimes its right to be selfish in love. There's really nothing wrong about it.. just do what you feel is right.
-
Going off 13th of january 6pm at the airport, coming back 10th of february morning..
-
Will anyone really notice me gone? well besides my family i mean.. haha..
-
Will you notice?
-
Ohh well.. busy week.. discussions of work.. packing of duffle bag.. combat life saver's course..
workwork.
-
Haha bought alot of stuff on friday's afternoon at orchard.. beanie (ugly).. sunglasses.. lip balm.. etc etc.
-
Ohh well, at least saturday's archery event wasn't that screwed up. hahaha *phew* remind me to pay derong.
-
I hate waking up in the morning from slumber knowing what i just went though was nothing but a good dream. Its like reality crushing down on you. hahahha. few days straight already =.= haha ohh well at least i enjoyed the dream~-Back to camp.. i'll blog again before i go nz bah..

Hope for the best, expect the worst, life is a play, we're unrehearsed.

A new Year, A new Start.

2007-01-02T00:11:00.000+08:00

A new year, A new start

And so the year 2006 ended amid well-wishes amongst the crowd, with glitzy fireworks, cheers, and most lovers in the arms of one another..

Well i always loved fireworks, haha like what i said during the fireworks festival during august some time ago.. The instantaneous beauty of exploding lights and colour amid a darken sky as a background is amazing.. Haha when faced with such a spectacular display of light, who do you think of that moment? haha..

-..The Merging of Lights..-

-..The final burst of glitter..-

Haha managed to grab a front row seat by the esplanade bay by sheer luck due to the rain.. well hanging out with jet, xingying and alinia was quite fun too, haha yang collin and monkee i told you all the rain wont last long 1 lo =.= Well anyway.. haha next year we were talking about getting a hotel room at pan pacific.. haha~ that'll be quite fun too i guess..

A quiet walk from marina to clarke quay and home ended 2006 and started 2007 rather peacefully..

Well back to the topic.. so ends 2006.. It was a year to be marked in my life i guess, one which many deeds were done.. though not necessarily all good ones..

I've been to countries and done things in the army most would not have even thought about, i've earned my right as a leader among my peers in army, though i'm still proving to be one. I've overcome obstacles i never thought i was humanly possible of achieving. i've dreamt about things which are impossible, and did alot of unneccesary things.. sometimes.. knowingly.. knowing its pretty wrong or irritating but really can't help myself though.. but sometimes.. really unknowingly or intentionally.. but both are equally bad i suppose, 不智者无罪 doesnt really apply to the suitation i suppose..

Apologizing again and again doesn't help.. so.. here's how i'm trying my best not to be a nuisance to you anymore! *inhale* *delete* 举手不回头! swear.. i just hope that after I come back from NZ we'd really just go back to normal again. i'm not really that impossible and insensitive, and its really the worst kind of feeling to have known i'm being ignored and blocked again and again.. I really don't want to be nothing more than a nuisance anymore. Friendship. We've havnt even had a proper conversation or just a friendly chat for months, here's for trying to change things.. i've sworn upon it.. and i'd do whatever i can to change the way things are now. I'd really hope that you'd be relieved this way.. although it sucks to be me now lol.. =.= kidding..

What I guess what i have done for the past year can be reviewed in the blog archives.. but whats important now is what i want to do for the new year, a new start, a clean slate, i'll try not to fuck it up, or at least not to do so SO badly, hahaha.. So ends my 2 weeks of long leave and another 1/2 a year of army to go, it'll be a year of changes this year that is.. heres to hoping that it'll be changes for the better..!

For old times sake.. For auld lang syne..

The Passing of Years.

2006-12-30T02:44:00.000+08:00

The Passing of Years, The Closing of Chapters.

.2.45am in the morning.

What have i done the past 2 weeks.

Nothing.

What did i want to do the past 2 weeks.

I don't know.?

So passed christmas.

So comes the new year. a chance to allow myself to close the chapters in a book atypical like all books, no fanciful cover, no attractive synopsis. no pulitzer prizes.. a biography but by an author whos name isn't committed to memory. with pages turning yellow with age and words writing in slant and small..

"What name shall i give the previous chapter?" he thinks.. it was all but a long chapter.. of gain.. yet insurmountable loss.. nontheless, long..

Of what i gave out. i saved none for myself..

Of what is spilt, cannot be recovered.

Of what i've done, i cannot change..

Of what has happened, What remains?

Of what of my hopes, the future holds..

I don't know what to say anymore.. well.. good night, sweet dreams.

Esplanade bay 2006/2007, Taken on december 30th.

Post secrets

2006-12-27T22:23:00.000+08:00

Post Secrets. Postcards of confession. postsecret.blogspot.com

Interesting book.. If you think about it hard enough, you can almost feel the emotions of the sender when they made those postcards..

In pursuit of happyness

2006-12-24T20:35:00.000+08:00

In Pursuit of Happyness

Heard these few quotes earlier in the day

"Being realistic, is the most commonly travelled road to mediocrity, and he who think he can, or can't, are usually right"

"The audacity of hope inspires one to do illogical things"

Heard these from Will Smith talking about his new movie "In Pursuit of Happyness", the storyline looks interesting enough..

Well, so this is christmas eve.. christmas eve ehh.. I've been at home the whole day, feeling the strong breeze of cold air continiously blowing into my room.. well it isn't so bad a feeling i guess. Well it is a quiet christmas eve this year bah.. a change of pace in things is good i suppose..

Wrapped myself up in blanket and just stoning to the piano playlist in the quiet afternoon and now.. "the intentional wasting of time to relax isn't wasting time" haha..

Well yesterday's passion concert was one of the best concerts i've ever been to, the music was great.. haha.. yasunori mitsuda was there, and the performer's talent is undeniable. haha.. it was a great night to spend with alinia monkee and munwei bah, havnt seen them for so long le anyway.. the chatty walk to raffles place mrt was nice too, didnt know that boat quay had a nice calm mood to it.. was the breeze, it ain't such a bad place to chill out, haha..

-Well-

-= =- says:
relax la spend one christmas for urself
-= =- says:
so you will learn to understand others whom are lonely in this world at this time.

Haha yuan hui's words of wisdom..

well its 9.34pm at night now, still wondering whether to go out to countdown.. well the initial intention was to go orchard with glen or yaosheng and just find a cafe with a view of the crowd, sit down for a cup of coffee.. just trying to be in the crowd to have a feel of the xmas mood.. haha in the end glen decided to go MOMO while yaosheng's lamenting at home alone why he cant spend the xmas with *ahem*. sooo in the end no plans.. haha..

christmas of the past few years.. last last year was with kailing which ended up her being angry, last year was with harrison we were playing with spray cans like little kids like that.. well this year. staying at home isn't that bad i guess. *mental convincing ITS NOT THAT BAD ITS NOT THAT BAD ITS NOT THAT BAD ITS NOT THAT BAD* lol~

Well.. to me, christmas isn't really that religious bah cause i'm not a christian.. its more like a festival season that comes along with new year, a time of giving to people and just celebrating the company that you have around you. a season for spending time with your loved ones.. of showering and showing them how much they mean to you, not materalistically (like how its done so often in singapore..) So what have i given this year? besides trouble and irritation.. havn't done much for others..

haha just saw this funny program on tv, its the flying dutchman walking around with a sign "FREE HUGS" and goes around hugging people for xmas. hahah thats nice in a warm and fuzzy funny kinda way.

So this is christmas?

Whats happened to people around me these days made me realize what i've been doing.. looking at things from a 3rd person point of view really brings a different perspective into things hurh? i know how they feel, no matter how illogical and and stupid some things are they'd still do it.. well..

hey. I really did understand, but i was going overboard anyway.. i'm sorry. it was stubborn and unneccesary, my bad. i don't want anything else than just you not being angry or irritated at me..

Well spend my christmas eve night watching love actually on tv. Now i know how come it was such a hit movie last year..

I like the scene of the confession at the door step.. the guy goes and make alot of cardboard signs

"Well, without any hope or agenda"

"And because its christmas"

"(And cause we shouldn't lie on christmas)"

"In my eyes, you are perfect"

"and my wasted heart will like you until you become like this"

"*A picture of a corpse*"

"Merry christmas"

Well.. how well a quality of life a person leads is chosen by him and himself alone. The past few months i've been living a life trying to be part of someone else's life. as hard as i might have tried it really just doesn't really quite work out that way, so heres my shot at changing things to normal. =]

.Keeps Raining.

Been awhile hurh.

2006-12-17T20:13:00.000+08:00

Been Awhile hurh..

Been awhile since i last wrote hurh.. well.

Well the past 2 weeks has been.. as any other week i suppose.. same work.. same stuff.. same people.. i guess the highlight of this week would have been corrinne may's xmas concert!

It was really great, not that im a great fan traditional xmas songs.. but her voice and the concert gave me the xmas purity feeling.. haha~ i guess.. christians would have enjoyed the concert more than i did.. not being a religionist or anything.

First time hearing the song "My grown up xmas list" it was really really nice. the song goes like this

*******

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee

I wrote to you with childhood fantasies

Well i'm all grown up now..

But still need help somehow..

I'm not a child but my heart still can dream..

***************

So here's my life long wish

My grown up christmas list,

Not for myself, but for a world in need

*******************************

No more lives torn apart,

That world would never start,

And time will heal all hearts...

Everyone would have a friend,

and right would always win,

and love would never end..

This is my grown up christmas list..

*********************************************

Fell in love with this song.. haha.. well it sings about a wish list not for youself.. but for the all the others.. well.. xmas is about giving not recieving i guess. merry xmas =]

Yeap finally can clear 2 weeks of leave.. was looking forward to it haha. havnt really had much rest from work i suppose.. and with the year ending and christmas coming, it'll be a great way to end the year.

Don't really know how am i going to send new year's eve this year.. esplanade is a sure thing. but.. who to go with? haha.. i guess will be yang they all again bah i suppose.. I suppose ending every year and starting a new one with a bang in the form of fireworks is befitting.. although the crowd can be a killer. But counting down to a new year with strangers and friends from all walks of life by the bay looking at fireworks is a nice experience..

2006.. came and gone just like that.. 6 years since the millenia.. haha could remember what i was doing during 2000.. Trying to fix my old computer. =.= haha... i remember that was a very grand celebration at orchard.. was looking at them celebrating on the tv..

I remember boon keng was mentioning that xmas or new year is just another day in life. Well.. i look at it as a way that people move on. instead of being just another day in life. they summarize all the happenings of the year, be it good or bad, and put it into memory, and the new year offers them a new slate of paper in which they create new memories from, thus less bounded by whatever unhappiness in the past and say "well, new year, new start!" with a smile :)..

.Well for now.

Have yourself.. a merry.. little.. christmas.. time.. =]

Hopefully with the people you want to spend it with..

if not. shit happens. merry xmas. hahah~

One big loop.. back to square one..

2006-12-03T21:40:00.000+08:00

One big loop.. back to square one..

.So this is christmas.

.What have you done?.

Haha apparently nothing much

Randoms thoughts for the day..

"But the toad has the right to like the swan"

I need to spend my time more meaningfully.. i mean the past few weeks keep having random thoughts but never straightening them out into action or real work.. like wanting to print out some photos to display on my table, and to arrange my room, add some christmas decoration here and there, write my yearly reflections of life, etc etc.

Well its december already.

So what have i really done this year?

1. Gone to brunei

2. Gone to thailand

3. Saw 3 shooting stars

4. Made 3 same wishes

5. Still waiting for them to come true LOL.

6. Commissioned as an officer

7. Got drunk and did really stupid things..

8. Still doing stupid things

9. Having increased random thoughts

10. Started learning piano again

11. Found out that i'm really quite stubborn most of the time

12. Kept in contact with most old friends

13. Celebrated my 21st birthday

14. Made a similar bday wish and still waiting for it to happen LOL.

15. Passed SOC 2 times this year

16. Became single

17. Became single again. :P (really quite funny to think about it)

I'm guillble, i thought that the xmas tree in taka was all along a real tree for all the years, ever year chop a new 1.

.Merry christmas.

How do you give someone a x'mas present?

Hope you'll like it. as least give me some points for effort. lol..

) :I'm irritating: (

2006-11-29T22:02:00.000+08:00

..Small gestures does wonders..

Even if it was for awhile

Its you.

2006-11-26T21:42:00.000+08:00

.Its You.

Wake up every morning

And find you by my side

There's no one in this world

Like you Jesus

Who can touch a heart like mine

Suddenly it's over

All the cries that's In my heart

It all seems B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L

All consuming by your grace

I may not sing as well as Clay or Ruben

I may not be the cutest guy

I may not look like Leonardo Dicaprio

But I do know one thing ..

It's you who make me stronger

I need you more than ever

You're the reason why I'm singing for you

It's you who create the wondersIn all my days of struggles

It's your love that surrounds my whole world

Sometimes I cry when I'm lonely

When it all just seems so real

But there's one thing that I can't deny

Is your love that's in my life

Xiao Mei introduced me this song.. can be downloaded over at http://www.purevolume.com/punkd1

The guitar, song, lyrics and voice are all really good. i like it alot.. go have a try..

Watched happy feet last friday.. haha.. pretty relaxing show..

Thanks renee for the small catus, i'll take care of it well.

1 month to christmas..

I saw another shooting star in camp last wednesday.. it was really brief.. with a greenish trail.. i guess most people won't believe me.. haha seen 3 shooting stars in just a year.. i don't believe it too..

So its decided.. NUS for 4 years.. sent the confirmation already..

happyfeet has the concept that every penguin has a heart song.. well.. haha its a nice concept.. everyone creates a song that is special to him or her, that expresses himself/herself.. so whats my heart song? havnt created one yet..

Another week in camp. this week.. i'm the boss.

I hate making difficult decisions.. made enough bad decisions this year alone..

.lessons learnt.

..rain rain rain..

..Keeps raining..

decision maker

2006-11-22T22:01:00.001+08:00

Made alot of decisions today.. work related..

work.. work.. work..

i hate over-zealous combat instructors that just came out of the academy or smth.

Duty officer today again, judging on my luck, think the msd going to come down at 12am tonight to do their check. haha. always expect the worst..

Just thought of what to do for friday, donate blood.. meaningful at least..

*inhale*
I love my job, i love my life
*exhale*

whoop.. another rainy day..

..keeps raining..

none..

2006-11-21T22:01:00.000+08:00

Ever tried having men fight in front of you?

well its a really tacky situation.. 2 of them almost fought in front of me.. tried talking some sense but one was just too hot headed to listen.. ahh.. conflicts..

Applied for leave on friday.. hmm.. where do i go..? anywhere but there.. whoop skipping acct..

.stupidity.

Heading back to camp..

Whoop rained at night.. love the rain at night..

..keeps raining..

november 20th 2006..

2006-11-20T21:50:00.000+08:00

november the 20th 2006..

another monday.. how many days has it been? how many days will it be..

Tried to stone the afternoon away.. boss wasn't around.. i've done all that i was suppose to do.. went to monitor the guys at the garage.. left them alone if the afternoon to rest.. thought about what to do for the next month or so.. thought about what i wanted to do for now.. thought about.. stuffs.

bunks all empty now that the guys are in australia.. and the rest leaving for atcao course soon.. guess it'll be quiet around here ehh.. solitary..

another evening rain..

..keeps raining..

Botak Jones..

2006-11-16T22:06:00.000+08:00

Back from a meal at Botak jones at clementi.. well it was a long wait.. but it was good food.. but then again.. too much broth spoils the soup.. or smth like that.. the portion was really big that makes you kinda turned off..

So.. i passed SOC this morning.. well.. felt really good about it.. thas one step closer to ord from the army.. and well.. another mental block removed from my mind.. i guess.. (:

Was pretty upset afer talking to kailing this morning.. not upset that she called.. but upset that she's not doing any better.. seeing her like this just really upsets me.. and i can't do much to make her feel better.. wouldn't want to influence her to make any decisions too.. because.. i don't know whats the right or wrong thing to do.. just want her to be normal again..

if only things could revert to 2 or 3 months ago.. well.. haha.. wishful thinking..

Well was hoping could knock off work early tmr but zzz got scheduled into ACC training tmr afternoon.. ugh. well.. looking forward to the weekend..

Saw the stars again went i was walking back to the bunk.. well.. its been a pretty long time since i've taken note of them..

another tiring as of many tiring days.. well.. a good rest now would help.. jyaa..

..keeps raining..

posts unlimited..

2006-11-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

Alone again in the office using the internet comp..

well most of the guys booked out for clubbing.. haha.. well they'd deserve it since they've passed soc.. just.. feel kinda demoralised about it.. haha.. i'm quite sick of "duty officer" duties..

Morning's advance close combat training was somewhat unexpectedly tiring.. and the least thing that i had in mind was being body slammed by the instructor a couple or more of times.. it kinda bruised a little..

Ahh conflicts and conflicts here and there.. internal.. external.. battery line.. hq side.. ahh.. point of views clashing with each other again..

Haha was really quite shocked when i found out the key was missing from the key bunch.. i mean..

"what the hell.?"

2nd thought that came to my mind was..

"haha wah lao really so suay arh.. hahah whats new.."

haha well luckily it was found in a somewhat *ahem* location.. i'd hate to have to be the 1 responsible.. bah.. really my fault in the first place.. thanks harrison for helping..

wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday.. comes and goes.. comes and goes..

1st time i soc passed was because of somewhat slackened rules and regulations
2nd time i soc passed was because of downright desperation..

3rd time aiming and hoping to pass soc.. i just want to pass this last hurdle that i will ever face.. soc has always and perhaps ever will be the most challenging task i was ever made to do in my life.. haha.. it sounds overrated.. but for someone like me.. it is not about physical.. but about the mental barrier that it has always imposed on me.. it restricts my limit for i think i can achieve.. what i may ever achieve..

A prove of my worth.. not so much as to others.. but to myself.. to be able to break free of the bonds that binds me.. i can't lead effectively knowing the fact that the goal that i want out of them, i cant achieve myself..? personal guilt renders me but an empty shell of words yet no actions.. nothing more..

Well lets just hope i'll be typing good news tmr.. hope.. well the end of the year had always been a season of hope.. renewal of hopes..

..keeps raining..

Lullabye for a stormy night..

2006-11-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

Lullabye for a stormy night..

***===***===***

got introduced to a new singer.. vienna tang.. haha think shes a american born chinese singer.. her music something like alessia and corrinne may combined.. ha..

fail. fail.. fail... how many times must i fail soc.. haha.. and i thought that i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.. ahh.. it appears that passing as an officer proves to be more challenging then ever before.. not only you have to run.. you have to run faster than your men to gain their respect.. well.. no points for effort in this case.. its quite disheartening to see people cheering about passing while you are lacking behind.. try. try.. try.. harder..

close combat training tmr morning.. followed by DO duties.. and another soc test on thursday.. fear..? disgust for soc..? what bothers me..

what bothers me..

took a long ride home again.. don't feel like staying in camp.. returning back soon..

long week.. hope after thursday's soc test it would shorten by a measurable amount..

Why do i keep blogging everynight..?

Somewhere for me to talk to..

whoop really quite tired today.. gonna doze on the way back to camp.. i hate soc..

..keeps raining..

I hate nights like this.

2006-11-13T21:21:00.000+08:00

I hate nights like this..

Wanted to return home to get some stuff.. but didnt.. work.. haha.. i really hate nights like this.. the bunk was empty.. only movement is the spinning of the fans..

running soc tmr.. hate it so much.. gave my guys an inspirational speech just now.. but i leave none for myself..

at least i escaped the sai gang that i got aimed at.. ask me go down bedok camp from yew tee myself!? crazy.. haha luckily i clarified..

Work.. work.. work.. work.. work.. work.. work.. work.. conflicts endless.. i'm doing too little too much.. too much too little.. too little too often..? too much too seldom.. can understand..? ha..

Back to bunk.. jyaa..

please don't..

..keeps raining..

2nd post of the sunday...

2006-11-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

....

My clerk today snored louder than the thunder grumbling outside. didnt have a good afternoon rest cause of it.. hahah i went to record it down and let him listened haha...

How many times a day must i keep repeating through the cycle of thought..

ohh well.. long day tmr.. close combat training in the morning.. zzz wilson.. why tell me so last min.. zzz.. i was looking forward to a quiet busy day in the office..

Haha dunno why im typing another post.. think im pretty bored..

happy feet finally coming to the screens.. happy feet..

weekend weekdays.. how many days has it been..

2006-11-12T14:45:00.000+08:00

Weekend.. weekdays.. How many days has it been..?

Well.. back in camp again for the weekend.. haha.. well i suppose theres no helping it..

..Friday night..
recieved a msg from jinsen, saying the bronco guys all have to go back on sunday to help clean the bronco.. hahaha imagine the sianess.. usually during weekdays i won't really go to the garage to help out my guys in vehicle maintenance cos usually work in the office keeps me occupied.. But.. its a saturday thing.. and if you ask the men under you to go back while you stay at home thats really quite screwed up.. so.. made my way back to camp early at 8am.. tada! another weekend somewhat burnt..

..Saturday..
Pure despair as i helped my guys clean the vehicle.. cant even explain the despair felt there.. everyone was like.. "what am i doing here.." *cleans layers of oil ad mud all around..* cut my thumb pretty deep early in the cleaning.. hurted pretty bad haha.. burnt the whol morning as a result.. Afternoon.. wanted to go for archery.. but it started raining before i could set my bow.. ha.. rains and rains.. though i loved the weather.. returned home to just hide away in my bastion of solitude high up in the skies with the winds howling against the windows and concrete walls that i call home.. ..keeps raining..

Went to pat's birthday chalet later that evening.. was expecting more people to go but well.. you know guys.. 1st they say yes.. then they say no.. or like overslept, coming late but never turn up.. hate people like that, if you don't want to come, just say so yar.. no 1 will blame you what.. same things as "see 1st".. bah..

Patrick's birthday.. reminded me of my birthday chalet.. its only been like what.. around 2 months..? but the 2 months felt.. really long.. "what..? only 2 months have passed..?"

Christmas decor this year.. goldy feeling.. haha.. well its somewhat grand.. but.. i always felt that christmas should be somewhat portray a more pure and calm feeling.. like white or blue glittering lights.. I don't really want to wander the streets of orchard road or raffles city again this year looking at the decor alone this year anymore.. maybe i'll just not go to the place altogether..

What rights do i have..?

..keeps raining..

Guess Things Turned Out Like This Hurh..

2006-11-09T21:43:00.000+08:00

Guess Things Turned Out Like This Hurh..

Rainy weather finally here.. rains.. cool winds.. breezy nights.. cool.

I forgot how long has it been since i really looked out my window and really looked.. just looking at things go by.. tonight the view seemed somewhat surreal.. the moisture in the air made lights from distant building shimmer and waver.. everything looked kinda dreamy..

Hasn't seen the stars for quite some time too.. all of them just seemed to disappear.. but the moon appears surprisingly bright the past few days..

Ahh the christmas tree is taka is up..! always liked the mood it brought.. whenever go taka and just look at the tree just gives a very nice mood and ambience to the whole end of year feeling..

Mastered yiruma's river flows in you on the piano.. i guess whats been happening the past few weeks made me really wanna play a piano piece.. theres a very satisfying feeling to it.. listening to music and playing music youself contributing somewhat different feelings.. playing each particular piano piece is almost like expressing yourself how you feel.. like singing a song.. since i suck at singing might as well play the piano..

I'm neglecting my guitar..

The guys are leaving for australia soon.. guess the bunks gonna be pretty empty for some time.. trying to organise a steamboat session in the bunk next thurs.. haha so called to celebrate edmund's soon to arrive ord date...

Pay day soon.. lalalala..

Was suddenly thinking about whether it'll be good if i go overseas and study.. didnt used to even think about it cos i'd be too attached to the stuff here.. but yar the thought did cross my mind that it would be a welcoming change of environment.. aha just a passing thought.. wouldnt bear to waste my parent's money when i can study in singapore.. balala..

Work.. work.. work.. whoop~

Back to camp.. Duty Officer this sunday.. so guess no sunday blog.. whoop..

Corrinne may's rendition of christmas songs are nice.. so is liang jing ru's new album..

..Keeps raining..

November..

2006-11-05T21:43:00.000+08:00

November starts..

Activation spoilt the weekend.. or should i say the rumor of activation spoilt it..

The afternoons of the past week has been raining frequently.. real heavily..

Been a long week.. as all long weeks.. nonetheless i did much for the army.

Been left to pick up the pieces by my predecessor while he goes on a long vacation.. =.= don't you hate this kind of people..

Am i being ignored..? I'm sorry...

Yankai wenhan cheehau going for a taiwan backpack trip next week.. wished i could join them if not for the standby alert.. ohh well.. have fun..!

Setting up the christmas deco already? its only november.. well.. better early then late..

..Just keep raining..

I'm just sorry..

2006-11-01T21:59:00.000+08:00

A weekday night away from camp..

Feels good to be back home for a short while..

Work work as usual in camp.. it just floods in~! ha.. plus the extra physical training s3 has been putting us up with.. i can still keep up with the pace of work and training but its starting to tire me down..

Well going back to camp now.. more things to do and prepare for saturdays work..

I'm still sorry about last friday.. wasn't right for me to be so irresponsible.

In front of my men and specs at least i have a reason to smile and be in a happy mood, to motivate them.. makes me be in a better spirit too.. :]

Haha last tuesday at the range, it really made me understand what it means by "shit happens" when i was told about the report to write. haha just feel like laughing over all the shit stuff that happens, it just so hilarious..

Laters..

I've just stooped to a all point low havn't i..

2006-10-29T20:33:00.000+08:00

I stooped to a time low havn't I..

I became what I've hated most. A drunkard. I've thrown all the self-respect that I have left for myself. I threw away whats left of my credibility as sensible person.

Part of me died last friday.

"... pathetic ..."

I never want to get drunk again.

I'm lost for words as to what to type. I am who I am.. I am but a human..

I am but who i am. Pass your judgement on me for who i am, who i was, and whom i ever will be.

It holds no difference.

So draws near the end of year mood..

2006-10-25T20:25:00.000+08:00

Ahh.. the pretentious world and its many point of views..

Well.. for starters. The afternoon shower proves to be a rather pleasant one. although i had to walk through it home haha. But it has been long since i felt so cooling a weather. Gloomy and wet? nay i beg to differ.. well.. the gloomy atmosphere makes one feel more heartwarming knowing that he is in the shelter from the storm. Makes people grateful for small comforts such as knowing that he/she is dry and warm indoors.. I'm not making any sense am i? haha..

I always loved rains.. It somehow just makes me appreciate things in life more.. Walking in the rain and just whistling and singing away to myself.. never really did figure out why i just love rainy weather.. hmm.. many i just like to see things from different point of views.. well i'd love to see the overcast sky no more than i'd love to see an clear blue sky.. but both brings about beauty from different points of view.. ahh.. different point of views is always the key to perceptions ain't it..?

Pride and principles.. well true that do hold value to what we stand and live for in life.. but often a times we are placed with situations in life that requires us to put these 2 on the line, would you hold on to them stubbornly? or should i say persistance? when what you hold dear in belief is questioned and it might probably be wrong? To me.. i see more cases of people of people holding on to what they thought they know more often then accepting the plain and simple truth that "hey, maybe what i'm doing is really not quite right." Then it'll all boil down simply to how broad is one's heart to accept and understand situations from different point of view, or to mold and if neccesary change their principles and values in life..

Well it always isn't that easy isn't it.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. and yeap all people have a certain level of silly stubborness in them to not be willing to change.. Well i am too. perhaps change would bring about insecurity and uncertainty to each one of us as would any change.. and fear clouds judgement..

Well in simple.. acceptance, understanding and forgiving usually makes the world a much better place then it is now..

Well as for me? Holding out for someone i like.. Is it insistence not to fail? stubborness? or rather a more subtle gentle persistence to my feelings and trusting them for they have lead me thus far? well from all different point of views i see it from, its a little of each.. haha~ but in a world such as it is.. how you feel and your true self does matter cause it is your conscience that you bring to the grace, but more often it is what others see of you that matters when you are living is it not? haha.. well as again.. different point of views holds different comments.. :)

haha havn't written so bombastically in a while.. wonder what got into me today.. maybe its the weather.. :) well back to camp, duty officer this sat.. haiz.. ohh well.. =]

Just feel like shit.

2006-10-24T23:37:00.000+08:00

Melancholy

Have you ever just felt not in the mood.. just so tired of anything.. everything.. I just feel so not in the mood now.. Not in the mood for company which i have been longing for..

The haze cleared up.. but the thick layer of clouds still block the blue hue of the sky from my view.. its been quite long since i've seen it..

So this is the mood of not feeling like entertaining..? haha.. entertaining..

I simply have no idea why am i feeling so listless and empty now.. basically just spent the whole day alone in my room.. resting..

My friend just asked me "What makes you so special?"

"I never said i was.."

No one stepped on my toes or said anything to me to really irritate me.. why do i feel so irritatable.. feel like exploding.. haha.. feeling wound up.. guess its just the tempo of the day..

I'll try not to unwound this friday haha.. just.. don't bring liquor.. hahah..

Well monday would have been quite fun if i wasn't so sick..

Vivocity outing with arty guys..

Haha i'm quite impressed by the idea of a waddle pool at the top of the shopping centre, although doesn't really look very clean.. hahaha~

Bleah. haha..

The past catching up..

2006-10-23T01:22:00.000+08:00

False Pretenses and What Ifs..

::now playing::

::aria the animation - santa-claus no sora::

Well well what do you know.. local exercises are finally over.. No more outfield sweating and driving around.. whoop! whats more.. 5 days of rest~! well i could use the rest..

I hate the ugly side of relationships. I hate people who end relationships without clearly explaning themselves to others, don't they know how much it'll hurt the other party. I hate how they just cut off the ones that they had loved out of their lives just like that, ignoring them totally and not sparing a thought for them. I hate seeing people i care about cry.. especially one that i loved.. not that i want to get back with her or anything..

Its not always people wanted me to be there for them.. since she needed me.. as a friend i saw no reason to not be there for her.. All i wanted was her to be happy..

I view embracing the past as a means of opening doors for the future, instead of forgetting, acceptance is a measure of your ability to learn from mistakes..

Haha well.. spent 10 bucks on deathnote movie ticket which i didn't have the chance to watch.. but did something meaningful instead.. so i guess it isn't considered really wasted.. Need.. to.. save.. money.. for.. future..

Haha i was just thinking about how am i going to survive in uni without having a stable income like what i have now. THUS the reason to save! i just cant seem to save over a certain amount zzz.

Trying to find a way to upload the pics from my hp to my pc.. haha.. wenhan took some nice pics but don't think i can show them in the blog.. army stuff.. haha.. bleah.

Just suddenly remembered about last wednesday morning.. Well i woke up around 4am to do my stuffs outfield, running around in my vehicle.. and yeap its the first time that i felt so cold and chilly in singapore, with a really really foggy mist and all! i mean, its almost like it was in genting highlands and im not over exaggerating.. haha wished i could show u guys it.. maybe nxt time.. ahh.. the air felt so cool and refreshing.. havn't had that in singapore with all the haze for a long time hurh? haha..

Internal conflict is kinda eroding my passion for my work somehow.. squabbles here and there.. haiz.. mankind are more likely to be wiped out by war then anyother reasons i feel..

Won't 2006 just go and get it over with.. i mean.. i can't remember the last time i heard really good news this year.. Wanna just close this chapter of the year and start a fresh one.. haha~

My mind's been wondering very often these few days. Haha just happened a min ago before i snapped out of it with a "wth?" feeling hahaha.

I just bought 2 tickets for corrinne may's christmas concert on the 16th of decemeber.. ahh.. now thats something to look forward to..

(: 2 tickets. haha.. :)

I'm too destined for great things.

2006-10-15T20:41:00.000+08:00

Winds of Change

Anybody feel the christmas and end of the year feeling coming up? haha i do~ although it still feels so forsakingly hot in singapore. =.=

damn kinda late to blog now. haha having my last local battlion ex. tmr. haveta return back camp to rest. Anyway.. short summary of the week.

Haha spent the last week outfield as usual, but things were exceptional boring and i wasn't in the mood to perform properly.. bleah. wasn't the only 1 who feels that way too though haha.

Went to Ikea today and bought alot of stuffs! eg. 8 simple glass frames for photos, a paper table lamp, 4 metal framed paper boxes.

Haha i just created my first official "Box of Memorable Things!" went to sort out all the misc stuffs here and there in my room to put into the box.. haha it was kinda fun stuffs like.. my first neoprints, movie tickets, musical tickets, very old pictures, haha ahh the old days, where car washes were 2$ and my grand-dad always went for those automated car washing at petrol stations cause i thought they were really fun [=

Haze is back, but at least it doesnt smell as bad as last week.

Haha suddenly my desire to go backpacking just came back to meeee~ when to go when to go.. where to go.. where to go.. who wants to go? lol needa save! the amt of money in ma bank has been stagnant for 2 months cause i spent too much =.=

Just like stoned in the afternoon and thought about things to come, and things that have happened this year. haha well 2006 ehh, so damn eventful year, 2 overseas training, 1 ocs commissioning, couple of ._____. stuffs and after all of it! i'm still me. =] always will be, ever will be. hehehehmpf.

so definitely in the mood for new year, haha its like my usual habit to review the year when its ending.. and yeap kinda starting now already..

Haha i'm changing. i really am.

Was discussing with yazid over the contradiction of the phrase, Hope for the best, expect the worst. Cause.. if you have hopes, you wont be expecting bad things to happen? hmm haha ohh well.

yankai: YOU are like a fisherman, NO, you're like a WORM! on the end of a fishing rod! in a pond, WITH NO FISHES! and your're screaming out "come eat me eat me! and get caught." =.= lol thats was yankai's description of me on how i behave. hahahah! it was really really funny, but it did make sense, lol~ won't do it anymore liao la.... :P

Everything will turn out fine~ even if it doesn't, shit happens~ =] I'm changing along the way.. hoping to look forward to a better end of the year and christmas =]

Lemmings.. nothing but lemmings..

2006-10-08T15:22:00.000+08:00

Lemmings.. Nothing but Lemmings..

Ever heard of lemmings mentality?

guess not.. haha cause i made it up.. to me what it means, is following a certain order, doing what you are told. Instead of making your own decisions, stepping out of line, etc etc..

People these days are starting to have this kind of mentality.. the old.. the middle aged.. and the young.. Quoting a incident that made me feel this way..

Last friday i went to tiong to grab a mocha and think before heading home..

And while leaving the mrt station.. there were crowds leaving the station lo.. and it happened that only 1 side of the glass door exit/entrance was open, and everybody was going through just one side of it.. thus resulting in a pretty long queue at the exit. I found it somewhat amusing as i observed the people passing through the door, kinda all sorts of people.. school kids.. poly kids.. jc kids.. aunties.. working class ppl..

And not one of them tried to push open the unopened side of the door.

The funny thing was that, some of them even tried to squeeze through that small exit..

Its not really my type to walk on paths people set down. I do things based on my own judgement.

Sooo... as i walked pass, i pushed open the door. and Voila! people start exiting easier.

What i really felt not right is how most people in singapore are nowadays. Well for most part they aren't really bothered to do things, to help open doors for the next person, to say thanks and to just smile. Not only this incident but in many others i've encountered in recent times..

If i smiled at anybody who glanced or looked at me nowadays, most of them would have thought that i was weird. lol =_="

Week was.. long.. like any other, like every other.. but it proved to be pretty interesting..

Went out on exercise again.. haha it started raining the minute i started moving out, resulted in my boots being flooded the nxt 3 days. zzz. not a very nice feeling. haha things went smoother than the last ex. Well at least i'm somewhat coping with work? haha..

Weekend was.. solitary..

Friday asked sze to accompany me for a mocha.. mocha did help abit. haha that evening suddenly came up with the idea of going down the the saga tree below my place to pick saga seeds. haha came back with 2 pockets full, that is, now including an hours plus gone and total drenched in sweat. woohoo! completed what i started last week..

And sat, fwoah sat. haze was bad, didnt go for archery.. was trying really hard to find company to go vivocity with me.. tried finding from 10 till 12pm.. feeling sucks.. can't even get company.. SO! being the person that i am.. went there to explore alone. haha.

.solitude.

But hey, when was the last time in singapore that you had the chance to explore a new shopping mall! guess the last time was the reopened marina square, well it was pretty fun. I mean, i think i found my new hang out spot. ITS SO COOL. the whole place is designed in a figure of 8 pattern so you could walk in a loop through all the shops, and theres quite a few interesting eateries (mostly jap) that has pretty good ambience to them. The waterfronts really nice too.. can almost rival to that of the esplanade.. haha i guess it'll be the new cool date spot for singapore.. fwahhh i just love my neighbourhood.. haha the whole place feels so flashy and stuff.. and when i went yest, i've seriously never seen so long a queue for a cinema before, almost a good 80m queue.. well i guess its a loophole for the design of the GV there, theres only 4 counters, don't think it'll be enough for time to come, i mean, even the cathay cinema has around. 8 counters? + another 3 on the 1st floor.. haha.. enjoy queing..

Went on a retail theraphy there again! bought some nice stuffs for myself and others.. woohoo new shirt!

I still feel so helpless. did a rational probability down to earth check on what could happen if i continued doing what im doing. haha and the results are so damn extremely negative.

But.

For all that I am, all that i ever was, and all that i ever will be.

Just can't help waiting and hoping for the best..

But.

Though not well, somewhat expecting the worst..